When I Wake Up by Ana Paula Macedo Read Free Book Online Page B

you who I was, I could tell you who I would like to be: Simply the Sophia that Roy has imagined. A sweet Sophia, who was able to do anything for him. Someone who was apparently normal and happy. He did not know the size of the void that I hid within my heart. Every time he touched me, I hoped that this void was filled, but it was not. Yes, when he touched me, I felt good, cherished, desired, but that void was still there. Something told me that it could be filled and if I searched correctly, I could find what it could be filled with.
    I got to the point of thinking that Roy was not what I wanted. I had spent so much time fighting for him, that when I got him I realized that he was not what I needed. But the fact of thinking about being without him left me desperate, and made all sorts of thoughts take over my mind.
    I did not share with Roy anything that I thought of. He had no idea what I was thinking, otherwise I think he would break up with me. What I think about only belongs to me, until one day I would find someone to give me the certainty that I can open up to. At that point of time, my thoughts belonged to my emptiness.
    Every corner of Florida, every beach, and every restaurant that Roy took me was part of the winter adventure. Each declaration still echoes in my head, but it was not enough to fill me.
    And what if I never meet anyone else? That also would not end my pain, nor fill my void. I've had other people before and they also failed to fill me completely, but I thought this was due to the fact that this little piece of my emptiness was there waiting to be filled by Roy. And he filled the hole of passion, which just showed me even more that the emptiness inside me grew and it hurt a lot, because I was almost coming to terms that Roy would not solve my problems and would not be able to fill my void.
    Perhaps this was happening because I had imagined a fictitious Roy, different from the one of reality?
    In addition to these thoughts, I had realized that my trip was coming to an end and that within a few days, I'd be without him and it would be very painful to give up the real Roy and to have for myself just the fictional Roy.

8
    With two days until the end of my trip, we took a little trip to Orlando. It was my first time visiting Disney and Universal Studios. Everything was very beautiful. I was delighted with the amusement parks, with the rides and I could see that there were people from all over the world. Some had already spent a fortune to go on a trip that in a moment would come to an end and would simply leave them with a memory and a longing for a trip that has passed. The Disney experience, the adrenaline of the roller coasters, the 3D experiences, all of this would pass, but the rides would stay around and there would be scenarios for the lives of other people who also would spend a lot to have a unique experience. All of these passed. Every experience was ephemeral and I thought that was the reason for my emptiness, knowing that everything was temporary and nothing was eternal.
    Roy looked like a child on those rides and how I liked being beside him. Not only was it the first time I visited Disney, but I was accompanied by my great love. Except that within two days it would be over and only my emptiness seemed to be eternal, waiting for me to take responsibility and would do something to fill it. But I was simply Sophia and I was almost giving up seeking answers to my questions, solutions to my problems and a remedy for my pains.
    I sincerely hoped that the memory of my honeymoon with Roy, will serve to ease my pain, because if I did not have him with me, I would have at least besides fiction, memories and reminders to ease my pain and calm the void that does not stop growing within me.
    We came back from Disney with a smile on our faces and the joy that the short trips provided us. We spoke about various topics, but we avoided the one that was really worrying us; my return to New York. How I wanted