A Few Quick Ones by P. G. Wodehouse Read Free Book Online Page B

fortunes he was interested. But his chagrin was not long-lasting. What caused it to vanish was the sight of a girl so divine that, as his gaze rested upon her, the top hat rocked on his head and only a sudden snatch at the last moment prevented his umbrella from falling from his grip.
    "Well, well," he said to himself, as he drank her in, "This certainly opens up a new line of thought."
    She was presiding over a stall in the shade of a large cedar at the edge of the lawn, and as soon as he could get his limbs to function he hastened up and began buying everything in sight. And when a tea-cosy, two Teddy bears, a penwiper, a bowl of wax flowers and a fretwork pipe-rack had changed hands he felt that he was entitled to regard himself as a member of the club and get friendly.
    "Lovely day," he said.
    "Beautiful," said the girl.
    "The sun," said Augustus, pointing it out with his umbrella.
    The girl said Yes, she had noticed the sun.
    "I always think it seems to make everything so much brighter, if you know what I mean, when the sun's shining," said Augustus. "Well, it's been awfully jolly, meeting you . My name, in case you're interested, is Mulliner."
    The girl said hers was Hermione Brimble, and further enquiry elicited the fact that she lived there with her Aunt, Mrs. Willoughby Gudgeon. And Augustus was wondering if he could start calling her Hermione right away, or whether it would be better to wait for a few minutes, when a formidable woman of the heavy-battle-cruiser class came rolling up.
    "Well, dear," she said. "How are you doing?"
    The girl, addressing the newcomer as Aunt Beatrice, replied that the market had opened easy, but that sales had recently been stepped up by the arrival of a big-time operator. "Mr. Mulliner," she said, indicating Augustus, who was J ending on one leg, looking ingratiating.
    "Mulliner?" said Mrs. Gudgeon. "Are you related to the Bishop of Bognor? He was the Rev. Theophilus Mulliner. We were great friends when I was a girl."
    It was the first time that Augustus had heard of this prelate, but he was not going to pass up the smallest chance of furthering his interests.
    "Oh, rather. A cousin. But I always call him Uncle Phil."
    "I have not seen him for some time. How is he these days?"
    "Oh, fine. Full of yeast."
    "I am relieved to hear it. He used to be troubled a good deal by clergyman's sore throat, like my niece Hermione's father, the late Bishop of Stortford," said Mrs. Gudgeon, and it was at this moment that Augustus came to the decision which was to plunge him into what Shakespeare calls a sea of troubles.
    This girl, he told himself, was the daughter of a bishop and looked like something out of a stained-glass window, a pure white soul if he ever saw one. Her aunt was the sort of woman who went around with gangs of the higher clergy. Obviously, then, what would establish him as a desirable suitor was saintly rectitude. His until now had been a somewhat rackety life, including no fewer than three fines for disorderly conduct on Boat Race Night, but he resolved from even date to be so saintly and so rectitudinous that both the girl and her aunt would draw in their breath with an awed "What ho!" as he did his stuff.
    Taking as his cue a statement on the part of the latter that this bazaar was in aid of the Wimbledon Social Purity League, he hitched up his diaphragm and let himself go. He said he was glad they were giving Social Purity a break because he was strong for it and always had been. There was a type of young man, he went on, who would not recognize Social Purity if you handed it to him on a skewer, and it was a type he had always avoided. Give him fine weather and a spot of Social Purity, he said, and you need not worry about him any further. You could just leave him, he said, confident that he was having the time of his life. And it was not long before he was receiving from Mrs. Willoughby Gudgeon a cordial invitation to haunt the house, an invitation of which he was determined to