A Load of Hooey by Bob Odenkirk Read Free Book Online Page A

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MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.’S WORST SPEECH EVER
    I n the midst of the Freedom Riders summer, King was called upon to give a speech at the Rock of Abernathy Baptist Church in Abernathy, Mississippi. It was a hot summer, even for Mississippi, and King had had weeks to prepare this speech, but for some reason he dillydallied. If he was betting on rising to the occasion, he lost that bet .
    People in attendance that day remember the speech as “the opposite of a shining moment” and “terrible.” Abernathy’s Reverend Fulton Slocum dismissed it as “a total waste of everyone’s time .”
    While there is no medical proof, King scholars have ascribed his complete oratorical failure to “possibly low blood sugar” or “simply the greatest brain fart ever .”
    Here, then, is a transcript of Martin Luther King Jr.’s worst speech ever .
    LOOK UPON THINE FLYING EYEBALLS
    by M.L.K. JR.
    As transcribed, verbatim, from the actual event .
    Uhh. Um. Hello. Hi. I was not told I would be speaking today, but, I guess—I’m Martin Luther King, I’m invited to a church, should’ve put two and two together.
    [ To himself ] You can do this, King, come on, get it together.
    [ To the crowd ] We stand together today, all of us, black and white. Well, there’s not so many white people here. [ Squinting ] Maybe some in the back. Not important, moving on.
    All of us here today are a great conflagration! What? That’s not the word. Congregation. Not the same thing.
    [ Wipes his brow ] Whew—it is hot in here. Man, it’s hot here in the great state of Kentucky.
    [ Whispers to the side ] What’s that? Alabama? Mississippi? Okay, Mississippi. So why did that guy say Alabama? Yes, you did. You guys heard him. Whatever. That’s what I get for asking the peanut gallery to opine.
    [ To himself ] Let it go, Martin. Back on track—
    We stand together. Some of you are sitting, I know. But in your hearts you are standing! You are standing! No, you don’t have to stand up. Sit back down, please. Don’t listen to me. I mean, listen to me, but don’t do what I tell you to do. Just sit back down.
    See, I can see into your hearts—your happy, hopeful hearts, some of them hurting, all hoping to heal. What the heck’s with the letter h all of a sudden?
    [ To himself ] Back up, King, get on track here.
    Your hearts can see—they do, they can see better things. The eyes in your hearts are hopeful! Hopeful eyes that fly with wings! Blind to hatred, blind to retribution. Blind eyes that fly! Think about that! Boy oh boy oh boy, that’s something, isn’t it? That…strains credulity.
    Let me begin anew. Let us all begin anew: me with the talking, you with the listening.
    Can I get an “Amen”?? I can’t? Okay…par for the course.
    Wrap it up, Martin.
    Okay…what I’m thinking of is…a metaphor. A glorious metaphor like a shining beacon. A profound, top-notch metaphor. Imagine, for me, if you will, a metaphor for suffering, for sorrow, for persecution, but also for redemption, for joy, for celebration. Wouldn’t that be great? Wouldn’t it? Is this mic on?
    Okay, that’s all I got. I still have time? How about I do a Q and A? No? No questions? Criminy, it’s a steam bath in here.

Famous Quotations—Unabridged

    â€œ Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe . But that might just be me being stupid.”
    â€”Albert Einstein

FREE SPEECH FOR ALL!
    Below is a FREE speech that you can use for ALMOST ANY EVENT. Please give me credit for it if anyone asks, but I’m not going to charge you anything…it’s on me!
    Just STEP UP TO THE MIC AND BEGIN:
    W ell, they said it couldn’t be done. But look, just look at all of you! Heroes. A roomful of heroes. You’re all astronauts, right? I was told I would be speaking to a