A to Z of You and Me by James Hannah Read Free Book Online Page B

think she’s scared to. I think she thinks that you won’t want to hear from her.”
    â€œI see.”
    â€œBut the thing is, she really does want to come and see you.”
    â€œRight.”
    â€œSo—would you be up for that?”
    I shrug.
    Now he doesn’t know what to do. Kelvin’s never known what to do. I could keep him dangling all day.
    You’d be telling me to choose to be nice. Be nice. You’re right, I know. This is not a sport. I should probably give him something to go on. God knows what, though.
    â€œWhy does she want to see me?”
    He exhales a quiet little laugh. “Because you’re her brother, I imagine, and because you’re in a hospice, and she’s worried…she’s worried she’s going to lose you without—”
    â€œWithout what?”
    â€œWell, without—”
    â€œHaving eased her conscience?”
    â€œIf you like.”
    I laugh. “Tell her not to worry about it. Tell her it’s fine.”
    Kelvin falls quiet a moment as he thinks through this solution.
    â€œI…I don’t think that’s going to be enough, mate.”
    â€œListen, Kelv, isn’t it enough that I have to forget about everything just to make her feel better? I mean, she hasn’t even got the guts to come here herself, has she? She’s sent you, hasn’t she? Do you think that’s good enough? Do you think I should see her?”
    â€œI think you should see her, yes.”
    â€œLook, when it really mattered to me, when she should have chosen to stick by me, she didn’t, did she?”
    â€œNo, she didn’t.”
    â€œHer instinct was to stick with Mal. So that’s that. And if she wants to know if that’s fine, then fine, that’s fine. I accept that she did that. You can tell her she doesn’t have to worry about it anymore. She did it, and there it is. But don’t pretend she didn’t.”
    â€œThere’s more to it than that, mate.”
    â€œWhat more? The last time I saw her was seven years ago, and that was only because it was Mum’s funeral. That’s a lot of time to show there’s more to it than that. Sometimes these things are simple. You don’t need to make it more complicated.”
    Kelvin sighs a deep and defeated sigh.
    â€œIt’s just… It’s breaking people up. Even now. It’s breaking Laura up; it’s breaking Mal’s mum and dad up. And yeah, you know, it’s breaking Mal up as well. And you’re the one who can sort all that out. If you can find your way to just talk to her. You know it’s not a normal situation.”
    â€œIt’s not me that made it not normal, Kelv. Ask anyone you like. What he did—”
    â€œNo one’s ignoring what he did. No one. But if you can just talk to her, it would help.”
    I do my best to draw in a deep breath.
    â€œI don’t know why you’re running around after her, Kelv.”
    â€œI’m not,” he says.
    â€œShe’ll have you wrapped around her little finger if you’re not careful.”
    â€œAll I’m doing is saying what needs to be said, OK?”
    â€œListen,” I say. “I don’t have a problem with you. You know this isn’t easy to talk about.”
    â€œYeah, yeah. Totally. But you wouldn’t want me to lie to you, would you? I can tell you this stuff. You know I’m straight with you.”
    â€œTo be honest, mate, I think I’d prefer it if you lied.”
    â€¢ • •
    Fuck, fuck. This is bad. This is getting bad.
    I can’t. I can’t breathe. I—
    I can’t…make my chest go out enough. I can’t breathe in enough.
    Chest
    Breathe in, chest out. Breathe out, chest in.
    Come on, now. Keep it calm, keep it easy.
    Chest goes out. Chest goes in.
    And now it’s me, conscious, as I breathe.
    Out in out in outinoutin…
    My pounding heart.
    I just want