immediately understood why Jacob had chosen it as the location of our first date. Dimly lit, the place was packed with twenty to thirty-something professional singles, all holding either a glass of white wine or something as equally socially acceptable.
While I did indulge in an occasional glass of merlot and champagne, my tastes generally ran to a simple Canadian beer on tap. From what I could see, not a soul in the bar dared drink something as common as a Molson Light. I guess I’d be ordering the house merlot this evening.
Now, I just needed to find Jacob through the mingling masses. Too bad God couldn’t make it a little easier on me and part the crowds like He did the Red Sea.
After making my way to the bar, I waited to get the bartender’s attention to order my Merlot. Apparently, I would need to show him some cleavage before he noticed me. I unbuttoned my blouse exposing not just my cleavage, but also a bit of my lacy red bra. Not surprisingly, the bartender suddenly noticed me waiting for him. That alone was worth the cost of my new undergarment.
When the bartender handed me my glass of wine, a hand landed on my shoulder.
“Sara?”
Thank goodness, Jacob found me. I turned around and a short-bearded man I assumed to be Jacob stood in front of me.
His photo from his profile had clearly been taken about five years and one hundred pounds ago. I honestly don’t mind a little facial hair. A mustache, a goatee, even a full, trimmed beard. Jacob didn’t just have a full beard and mustache. He could be one of the band members of ZZ Top. A cross between Grizzly Adams and the Leprechaun from the Lucky Charms cereal, Jacob barely reached my chin.
“Hi, you must be Jacob.” Or possibly, his older brother just back from a year alone on a mountain with no mirror or scissors?
He looked me over from top to bottom, then up again, his gaze stopping at my chest. Great, he’s a pervert to boot.
“I’m sorry I was late, but traffic was terrible because of the snow.”
“That’s okay, I just got here.” As Jacob continued to stare at my chest, I felt the urge to button my blouse. Something about it made me feel dirty, rather than sexy, and my instincts screamed “get out now while you can!” I owed it to him to at least give him a chance, just as I would want him to do for me.
“Did you get my message?” It suddenly occurred to me he hadn’t called me to say he’d be late.
“Uh-huh.”
Okay, so far I had determined he lied about his height by at least six inches and his weight by one hundred pounds. He hadn’t had the courtesy to call and inform me he’d be late. He hadn’t lifted his gaze from my chest once. To top it off, he lacked acceptable grooming practices.
“Should we find a couple of seats?” I asked, hoping to manipulate his gaze to the room and off my body.
“No.”
“Why not?”
“You’re not average weight. You fall more into the voluptuous category.”
“So because in your opinion I’m voluptuous, we can’t sit? Do I need to point out that you lied on your own profile? Since you’re shorter than me, there’s no way you’re five foot ten and you hardly qualify as average weight yourself,” I ranted, unable to contain my anger one minute longer.
That got his attention, his eyes lifting from my chest to meet mine. In his eyes were tears.
Crap, I made the little leprechaun cry.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. It’s just been a very long day.” And an even longer night since meeting him, but I kept that part to myself.
He wiped his tears and his nose on his sleeve. He stopped crying and resumed his gawking at my chest.
“You can make it up to me. Why don’t you come back to my place for a little somethin’-somethin’?” he suggested with all the class of a fifteen-year-old horn dog.
For a moment, I just stood there, my mouth hanging open wide enough to catch flies, until I realized he might take it as an invitation to stick his tongue in my mouth.
I
Andy Griffiths and Terry Denton