After the Hurt by Shana Gray Read Free Book Online Page B

from between a couple of fluffy white clouds and cast its warming light on her and the tranquil lagoon, Pepper hesitated. It was as if it was a sign, like she was being shown that the beauty of the world was still something she could have, even without her mom, and that she should not take life for granted or waste it away. So she’d backed up until the water lapped softly at her knees.
    She scattered her mother’s ashes that day. Said goodbye and decided to take life as it came. Live in the moment. Pepper took a handful of beach sand and wrapped it in a tissue. She would keep it always. And that little jar of beach sand was in her lost suitcase. Of all the things she never wanted to lose, it was that. She’d also bought a tie for Tank, knowing how much he loved the wild and wacky ones. So getting her luggage back was important.
    The remainder of her stay in Bali had been both magical and heart-wrenching. After spending time with locals, Pepper appreciated how they survived with so little, yet were so unbelievably happy. It really made her sit up and take notice. Pepper quickly realized money had nothing to do with happiness, yet everything to do with it. If that made any sense at all. You could be happy with no money, but in dire straits, money was needed. Especially for the sick and ailing, and to help those who needed it most, as she discovered when she gravitated to a volunteer position at a hospice.
    Finally, Pepper saw the splendor of the world with a new set of eyes. Putting a screeching halt on herself, she reassessed her situation. In retrospect, even though she and her mom were fast friends and had done a lot together, Pepper realized she should have put more importance on her mother. They’d lived an hour away from each other, which wasn’t exactly on opposite sides of the country. But she’d believed her mom would always be there. They’d had all the time in the world, or so Pepper thought. She should have been with her mom for the first two chemo treatments. She knew that now. Pepper regretted not being there, and she wished, oh how she wished, she had chosen another restaurant for lunch that day. If she had, her mother wouldn’t have contracted listeriosis. So many if’s and what-if’s. But the hardest thing she had to accept was not being by her side when she passed.
    Pepper’s throat tightened and her eyes blurred.
Mom must have been so scared. All alone in the hospital room, wondering what was happening and why no one was with her.
Pepper’s chest burned and the agonizing pain of guilt reared up again, threatening to overtake her. She tried to draw comfort from the nurse’s words:
Most die alone.
She’d explained many die quietly when their loved ones leave their side for a few moments. To get a coffee, or a shower, or food. Almost like they waited for the moment of peace, not wanting to upset their family any further.
    Pepper knew with all her heart and soul that if the roles were switched her mother would have been with her every second. God, how she missed her mom. In every way. Unable to hold back the grief, Pepper cried.
    Cried for all the hurt and loneliness eating her up inside. Cried for what she’d seen while away—the dying and distraught families. For being alone. For losing Tank. And for her lost jar of sand.
    Pepper collapsed on the floor. She curled up next to the sofa, unable to stop the sadness. Maybe not even really wanting to stop it. She let the grief come, another thing she’d learned. Mustn’t bottle it up but let it out. She sobbed into her hands. The vision of her mother, staring at her with frightened eyes and unable to speak, was forever burned into her mind. Pepper hadn’t cried in front of her mother. She hadn’t wanted her to feel even more scared over what was going on. Her mom dying hadn’t even been a thought Pepper had entertained, fully expecting her to fight the infection and live. She’d held her mother’s hands, told her she was the best mom ever, how