Alice by Laura Wade Read Free Book Online

Bread-and-butter, of course.
    HARE: She can’t do sums a bit.
    HATTER: Do you know your ABC?
    ALICE: Yeah, I’m not a baby.
    HARE: I can read words of one letter. It’s true, I can.
    HATTER: Do you know languages? What’s the French for ‘ecky thump’?
    ALICE: Ecky thump isn’t even proper English. I don’t know what it means.
    The HATTER moves away from ALICE , looking at her carefully .
    HATTER: The queen’s spy would know what it means.
    HARE: Meaning?
    HATTER: She’s quite safe.
    The HATTER looks at his watch .
    Look at that – six o’clock. Time for tea.
    The HATTER and the HARE move back towards the table .
    Cup of tea, old chap?
    ALICE: Am I right, though – is this the middle?
    HARE: Tis the place where all roads meet. Have some wine, dear boy.
    ALICE: Um. Thank you.
    ALICE comes closer, looks at the table .
    There isn’t any wine.
    HARE: More’s the pity.
    ALICE: If there isn’t a door, is there a chute or something, maybe –
    Like a magic portal or –
    HATTER: Have some more tea, dear boy.
    ALICE: I haven’t had any yet. So I can’t have more , can I?
    HATTER: You can’t have less , it’s very easy to have more than none.
    ALICE: If I’m in the right place, then what do I do? Make a wish and touch the teapot?
    HATTER: Talks to himself – mad, you see.
    ALICE: I’m actually a girl, by the way.
    HATTER: You see what I mean?
    ALICE: Maybe I just sit and wait for a bit and then something turns into a door or –
    ALICE sits down at the table. The HARE pulls a cup out of a large jelly and pours a cup of tea for ALICE .
    HARE: Nice cup of tea and no need to worry about anything.
    ALICE: Could I have a bit of bread and some jam?
    HATTER: Jam?
    HARE: Jam?
    DORMOUSE: A jar of jam.
    HATTER: There’s no jam here, dear boy.
    HARE: All jam property of the queen!
    HATTER: Anyone found with contraband jam will be beheaded!
    HARE: With his own teaspoon!
    HATTER: Have some bread and butter. WITHOUT jam.
    HARE: It’s Wonderloaf.
    ALICE: Is it all types of jam?
    DORMOUSE: Strawberry jam, apricot jam...
    HATTER: Are we sure she isn’t an emissary from the queen?
    HARE: A what?
    DORMOUSE: Blackcurrant jam...
    HATTER: A spy , remember?
    DORMOUSE: Gooseberry jam...
    ALICE: What about traffic jam?
    HATTER: See, this is a test.
    DORMOUSE: Rhubarb jam...
    ALICE: Or paper jam?
    HARE: Paper jam?
    ALICE: You know: ‘Warning: Paper Jam”.
    HARE: We know of no such thing.
    HATTER: All jam property of the queen and that’s all there is to it.
    DORMOUSE: Damson, greengage...
    ALICE: Why does the queen need all the jam?
    HATTER: For the tarts, of course.
    HARE: Only the queen can make tarts.
    HATTER: By which we mean only the queen is clever enough to make tarts.
    DORMOUSE: Loganberry...
    ALICE: Jam tarts? Jam tarts are easy.
    HATTER: She’s luring us. This is a trap, don’t fall into it.
    I was a hatter, you know. Oh yes. They came from miles around for my hats.
    One blow from the queen’s stiletto and goodbye to all that.
    DORMOUSE: Ginger jam...
    ALICE: She kicked you?
    HATTER: She might as well have.
    The HATTER shows ALICE his watch .
    DORMOUSE: Victoria plum...
    ALICE: She stamped on your watch?
    HATTER: I made her very angry.
    DORMOUSE: Quince...
    The DORMOUSE falls asleep .
    ALICE: She doesn’t sound very nice, the queen.
    The HATTER and HARE gasp at her outspokenness .
    When was this?
    HATTER: Last March – just before he went mad.
    The HATTER shakes his pocket watch, looking at it .
    What day of the month is it?
    ALICE: The seventeenth.
    HATTER: Two weeks wrong. I told you butter wouldn’t suit the works.
    ALICE: You put butter in it?
    HARE: It was the best butter.
    HATTER: Yes, but some crumbs must have got in as well. You shouldn’t have put it in with the bread knife.
    Oh look – six o’clock: time for tea!
    HARE: Move round, move round!
    ALICE: Haven’t you just had your tea?
    The HATTER shows her the watch .
    HATTER: If it’s six o’clock, it’s tea time.
    ALICE: So this thing with the queen