All My Friends Are Superheroes by Andrew Kaufman Read Free Book Online

single phrase or image. If you can do that, you’re probably a superhero already.
    Part of the problem with finding your superhero name is that it may refer to something you don’t like about yourself. It may actually be the part of yourself you hate the most, would pay money to get rid of. Certainly the Perfectionist had a hard time coming to terms with her superpower. The Gambler, OneNight and Brutally Honest all spent years accepting their superpowers.
    The final stage of finding your superhero name is accepting how little difference it really makes. Okay, there’s this thing you can do, a thing you can do like no other person on the planet. That makes you special, but being special really doesn’t mean anything. You still have to get dressed in the morning. Your shoelaces still break. Your lover will still leave you if you don’t treat her right.

    THE SLOTH
    The Sloth hated himself. He considered himself lazy. He had a dead-end job and no plans to get a better one. His relationship was on-again-off-again, and he never got to the gym even though he kept paying the membership dues.
    There was mould in his refrigerator and he watched reruns on TV . Sometimes he wore the same pair of socks twice in the same week.
    The Sloth would sit on his couch, paralyzed by all the things he wasn’t taking care of. Then one day, a Wednesday, he just said, ‘Fuck it!’ He threw his hands up into the air and said, ‘Fuck it!’ This was the day that the Sloth discovered his superpower, an amazing ability to say ‘Fuck it’ and really, truly mean it.
    WILD MOOD SWINGER
    One of the few superheroes to wear a costume, Wild Mood Swinger is never seen without his large-lapelled polyester plaid leisure suit with white shoes and a matching belt. Blessed with the ability to achieve the highest emotional heights and cursed with the ability to sink to the lowest emotional depths, Wild Mood Swinger often does so during the same conversation. Strangely attractive to women.
    COPYCAT
    Copycat has the ability to mimic anyone’s personal style. Which wouldn’t be so bad, perhaps even a compliment, ifshe wasn’t able to perfect her subjects’ style to the point where they start looking like less successful versions of themselves.
    THE INVERSE
    Shake the Inverse’s hand and the exact opposite of your life will flash before your eyes. This can be so overwhelming that the Inverse will not shake your hand unless you ask him to, and sometimes not even then.
    A case in point is Businessman. When the Inverse shook Businessman’s hand, Businessman saw himself as having a work and going to life. The experience was so intense that Businessman retired the next day.
    It’s exactly that sort of responsibility that the Inverse seeks to avoid and it’s why he has never shaken his own hand.
    MR. OPPORTUNITY
    He knocks on doors and stands there. You’d be surprised how few doors get answered.
    MISTRESS CLEANASYOUGO
    The most powerful superhero of all, the one everyone wishes they were, is Mistress Cleanasyougo. At the end of every day she folds her clothes. She never leaves scissors on the table, pens with no ink are thrown in the trash, wet towels are always hung up, dishes are washed directly after dinner and nothing is left unsaid.

THIRTEEN

BEGINNING DESCENT
    The captain’s voice comes through Tom’s headphones. In confident tones he announces that flight AC 117 is commencing its descent. They will be arriving in Vancouver in twenty minutes. Local time will be 5:17 p.m. The captain requests that all passengers return to their seats and fasten their seatbelts. Tom looks up. None of the passengers are standing so no one moves. He feels the plane tilt downwards. He tries not to cry. He has twenty minutes to convince his wife that he isn’t invisible. He disobeys the captain’s orders and dares another trip to the bathroom. He pushes past the man in seat 27 D .
    As Tom walks down the aisle, the man in seat 27 D begins to study the Perfectionist. He