American Freak Show

American Freak Show by Willie Geist Read Free Book Online

Book: American Freak Show by Willie Geist Read Free Book Online
Authors: Willie Geist
nuclear codes. Feelin’ lucky! Hey, enjoy the book. There are some gems in there.”
    With that, the former vice president, wearing his T-shirt and snug tighty-whities, takes his Hot Pocket and stuffs himself into the dumbwaiter, descending slowly into the bowels of the White House from which he controls the United States government.
    President Obama, standing in his pajamas in the darkness of the kitchen at four o’clock in the morning, opens The Book and, by the light of a microwave still warm from Dick Cheney’s bacon and cheddar Hot Pocket, meets the ghosts of the White House past.
    J UNE 14, 1897
    For the record, the last asshole, Grover Cleveland “Steamer,” stole the first volume of “The Book.” That’s okay, Grover, I’m sure future presidents would have no interest in the wisdom of Washington, Jefferson, or Lincoln. Dick move, man. Dick move.
    D ECEMBER 14, 1898
    Get out the sunblock and fire up the margarita machine because I just took Puerto Rico, a bunch of the West Indies, Guam, and the Philippines from Spain! They call it the Spanish-American War, but trust me, it wasn’t much of a war. More like four months of looking at island property in the Caribbean. See you in San Juan!
    S EPTEMBER 15, 1901
    Well, I guess McKinley isn’t gonna get to chill in San Juan after all. He’s chillin’ in the morgue right now. Some crazy anarchist popped a cap in him. Fuckin’ anarchists. Anyway, guess what this means? I’m president! I have no idea what I’m doing. Seriously. Don’t tell anyone!
    A PRIL 22, 1903
    If you’re reading this book it’s too late for you, but this job kind of blows. I used to do tons of cool stuff—I was police chief in New York City, governor of New York, I led the Rough Riders up that hill—but this is boooooooring. I think I might go dig a canal for shits and giggles.
    N OVEMBER 7, 1906
    Okay, started the canal. It’s gonna be kick-ass. Now they want me to get excited about the Meat Inspection Act. Meat Inspection?! I don’t mean to big-time anybody, but do they know who I am? BTW, that would be a hilarious name for a porn film— The Meat Inspection Act . Ha! I’m so not running for reelection. I’m going to shoot elephants in Africa instead. Smell ya L8TR!!!!!
    J ANUARY 1, 1913
    It’s been a heck of a ride here in the White House, but I just have to say, I did NOT get stuck in the goddamned bathtub! Seriously, you guys. That’s an ugly smear spread by opponents who would rather focus on my weight than on the issues. Could I lose a few pounds? Sure. Could I stand to skip a few trips to the buffet? Of course. Does that mean I get stuck in bathtubs? Absolutely not. I’m gonna be SO pissed if the spurious bathtub story overshadows the legislative achievements of my historically great presidency. Do you think the Sixteenth Amendment passed itself?!
    F EBRUARY 24, 1913
    Dude, Taft totally got stuck in that bathtub. I hate to tell tales out of school, but I have it on good authority. It happened. They brought in the National Guard.
    J UNE 28, 1919
    Let’s see, what did I do today? Oh yeah, I ended the Great War! Signed a treaty in the morning and by five o’clock I was four bottles of Lafite deep with Clemenceau celebrating world peace. All in a day’s work. (I know it sounds like a cliché, but Paris really is beautiful this time of year if you get the chance to go.) Oh, and don’t worry, you won’t be hearing from those dumb Krauts anytime soon! Buried ’em at Versailles! There is absolutely no chance of a horrific backlash that will lead to the rise of a genocidal madman and haunt the world for centuries to come. You can thank me later.
    A UGUST 18, 1920
    To all the ladies in the house: let’s not forget who got you the right to vote today. You’re welcome, girls.
    J ULY 19, 1923
    My advice? Stay away from Teapot Domes! Jesus Christ, who knew anyone would give a

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