Ampersand Papers by Michael Innes Read Free Book Online Page B

a man wholly commanded by one thing at a time. At the moment that one thing was the Ampersands. He always said ‘the Ampersands’ when meaning all the Digitts who were around or ever had been around. This in itself a little irritated Lord Ampersand, who wouldn’t himself have said ‘the Marlboroughs’ or ‘the Salisburys’ when he meant a whole gaggle of Churchills or Cecils. Perhaps it wasn’t positively incorrect, but it was faintly wrong – which was something a good deal worse in Lord Ampersand’s view of the matter.
    Dr Sutch, moreover, was a pedant, by which is meant one given to unseasonable displays of erudition. Having at least a rapidly assimilative mind, he had got up his client’s family rapidly and in overpowering detail, and he lectured the Ampersands on every aspect of it. Lady Ampersand rather liked this. She had always felt it would be nice to know a little about her husband’s people, but the topic was one upon which her husband could inform her only in a muddled way. History was mysterious to Lord Ampersand, even although he was constantly looking up such contemporary manifestations of it as were to be found in Who’s Who . Dr Sutch, although not exactly a courteous man, had notions about courtesy, and one of them constrained him to feign the belief that he was never doing other than remind Lord Ampersand of circumstances and connections already stored in Lord Ampersand’s capacious mind. Lord Ampersand was infuriated by this.
    So the question quickly arose as to what was to be done about Dr Sutch. To have him resident in the castle presented formidable difficulties in the way of protocol. To receive him at the family table for long would be totally insupportable. He couldn’t very well be told to go and mess with Ludlow. To have meals served to him in a private room (as had obtained under former Ampersands for attorneys, the visiting dentist, and people of that sort) would be cumbersome – and also, in some perplexing way, counter to the spirit of the time. So Lord Ampersand decided – reluctantly, since considerable expense would be involved – to have the fellow put up at the Ampersand Arms. It was said to be quite a decent little pub, and was no more than a couple of miles away. Dr Sutch tended to corpulence, so the walk would do him good.
    The next question to arise was where this tediously learned person should prosecute his researches. Lord Skillet, when consulted, at first professed to favour the billiard room, but this was perhaps only to annoy his sisters, since it was to the billiard room that they regularly summoned the humbler females of the region to receive instruction on various aspects of domestic economy and godly living. Lord Ampersand himself vetoed the library, pointing out that it was his habit to do a great deal of reading there. He was inclined to favour bringing all the stuff down from the North Tower to the old stables – where his wife had vetoed that promising notion of tea at 60p a head. Finally it was decided that the walk to and from the Ampersand Arms was not in itself adequate to the safeguarding of Dr Sutch’s health. He had better tackle that staircase as well, and do his rummaging where all the junk was stored already. Lord Skillet discussed this proposal with Dr Sutch. Rather surprisingly, Dr Sutch proved entirely amenable to it.
    Once established, Dr Sutch sprang another surprise, conceivably occasioned by a rapidly formed conviction that the comforts of the Ampersand Arms were not such as to commend a long uninterrupted stay there. His work at the castle, he explained, would have to be on a part-time basis. He’d put in Mondays and Tuesdays on what he called the Ampersand Papers. During the rest of the week he would be continuing his antiquarian research for the Duchy. Lord Ampersand was a good deal impressed by this, and agreed to it at once. It was quite something to be employing a fellow who was at the same time in the service – as it must be