An Absent Mind by Eric Rill Read Free Book Online Page B

Friedman. Yeah, I decided to keep Friedman as my lawyer. I’m getting too sick to start changing at this point, and they’re all crooks anyway. He told me maybe I should just keep everything as is and that if I want to make changes in the future, I should let him know. That makes sense, I guess, because first of all, I’ll be damned if I’ll pay him to change my will twice—there would be almost nothing left! And besides, I’ll see how Monique behaves. Maybe I’ll leave her something; maybe I won’t.

Saul

    First Confession
    I heard Monique talking to Florence on the phone. At least I think it was Florence, because she called her “honey,” like she does sometimes. She never calls Joey that. In fact, when she refers to Joey in conversations with me, she always says “that son of yours,” stuff like that.
    Now, I know Joey is her son. I was at the hospital when she gave birth, although it was hard to watch. I’m just like Florence; I can’t stand the sight of blood. When Joey came out covered with the stuff, my whole body shook, like when my father would roll his tongue between his teeth and hit me when I was a kid. He did that a lot, and I was always waiting for his tongue to drop to the ground and blood to pour from his mouth. But that never happened.
    It seemed he was always hitting or kicking me under the dining room table, and that hurt, because I never thought I had done anything wrong. I already told you I was a tough guy, but I was a fair tough guy.
    Joey and Monique were born under different signs. He is a Taurus, and she is an Aquarius. But I’m an Aquarius, too, and I love Joey. I’m not saying she doesn’t have any feelings for him, but they’re not the same as her feelings for Florence. Sure, he isn’t as easy as Florence, but so what. I probably wasn’t as easy as my sister, Miriam, but my father should have loved me, too.
    Monique asked Florence to go shopping for things to childproof our house. No one told me that I was going to be a grandfather again. That’s wonderful news!
    She’s been gone a long time. Maybe she is seeing someone else. She has been acting a bit funny lately. My guess is that she wants to leave me and doesn’t know how to tell me because I’m sick. Well, I wish she would just do it and get it over with.
    I have always been faithful to Monique—except for one affair with Gisele at the paper company. I already was the owner by that time, and she was my secretary. She didn’t have knockers like Monique, but she had legs like that actress—what’s her name … yeah, Marilyn Monroe—and she showed them off, especially when she bent over the file cabinet. She was young, real young. I don’t mean young enough for me to get in trouble with the police.
    I would always close up the office. She generally stayed late, and one night things just happened. I never felt particularly guilty about it because I didn’t love Gisele, but she did do things to me Monique never had.
    I asked Monique one day, after Gisele showed me some of her tricks, if she would, well, you know …
    Monique told me I was a disgusting pig, or words to that effect. My father was right: you don’t marry Jewish women for sex. I guess that includes converted Catholics. Not that we didn’t have sex, but let’s just say they should have named the missionary position the rabbi position.

Monique

    The Ultimate Consumer
    T ypically, I don’t leave Saul alone in a room for more than a few minutes at a time, and that’s usually when I’m doing my housework or calling the store to deliver groceries.
    Now I have come to realize that a lot can happen in just a few minutes. It started with subscriptions to Time magazine and Newsweek . And then there was the aluminum siding. It seems that a telemarketer had called and convinced Saul that new siding would enhance the appearance of the house. When the installation people called to make an appointment, I had to inform them that since the house was brick, it