An Off Year by Claire Zulkey Read Free Book Online Page B

that very moment and not sitting with Dr. Stern. An image of high school all over again popped into my head: going to school with, eating with, and worst of all living with people I didn’t necessarily like. “I guess . . . how could it be better to be in college and be around all these strangers—and have to blend in with them and get along with them—than to be at home? It might be boring, but I know what’s up here. I’m not cool, but nobody’s decided I’m uncool.” I wasn’t sure if I had made this up just to please her or if it was true.
    â€œHave you always worried about being uncool?”
    â€œNo,” I said. “I mean, not that I know of. Maybe. I don’t know.” A few uncomfortable flashbacks popped into my head, like finding my one solitary picture in the yearbook, and going to junior prom with Meg, who ended up leaving with a guy, so I had to get home by myself.
    â€œBut you think you’ll either be cool—or just not care if you’re cool—by next year?”
    â€œMaybe,” I said. “Yeah, maybe I won’t be as stressed about it.” Jane was asking tougher questions this time, firing back with more questions. “What about you, do you think I’ll be ready?”
    â€œWell, I don’t know you well enough yet,” she said. “Although at first glance I’d say you’re probably already more ready than you know. There was a part of me that wanted to tell you to go right back where you came from.”
    â€œWhy didn’t you?”
    Jane smiled. “Because I think just choosing not to go is a bigger deal than you think it is. Even if you’re choosing not to do something, you’re still making a choice. Maybe it’s not a bad thing. But it’s something worth taking your time to consider—don’t just pretend it didn’t happen.”
    â€œHmm.”
    â€œThere’s nothing wrong with taking the year off,” Jane said. “But I think you need help making the most of it and using it to prep for what lies ahead—even if it’s not school.”
    â€œFine,” I said. “Sounds good.” I resisted the urge to spin around in my chair.
    â€œCecily, what I typically offer is something called cognitive-behavioral therapy, which basically means that I give you some exercises to try to make this year a good one, to prepare you to take the next steps, and we see how that works. Eventually I want you to get out of the house more, and I also think down the line it might be interesting to see what happens after some planned one-on-one time with your sister.”
    â€œThat sounds like a nightmare,” I said. “Anyway, it’s not like we don’t spend time together now. Maybe we spend too much time together.”
    â€œWell, that might come later. Right now, I’m going to give you an assignment,” said Jane. “But you need to be willing to work with me. Do you think you can do that?” I nodded and tried to appear cooperative. I was so bored from the last month, I was willing to take orders from a stranger. And even if I still couldn’t figure out why I had turned around in August, maybe it wouldn’t matter as long as I’d be able to move forward eventually. “I want you to just get in touch with at least one old friend from high school that you haven’t yet. Won’t your friends be back soon for Thanksgiving break? It’s not healthy for you not to hang out with anybody your age. And maybe it’ll help you talk to someone you trust. You’ll feel better.”
    â€œI’m embarrassed,” I said.
    â€œWhy?” she asked.
    â€œBecause I’m lame and they’re in school,” I said. I couldn’t believe I was saying this. I wish I at least had a more mature way of getting this across. “I mean, I feel like a baby or something.”
    â€œSo what?” she said. “Do