An Officer and a Lady by Rex Stout Read Free Book Online Page A

already,” Stafford rose and laid a bill on his plate. Then, as he turned to go, “Never again for me,” he said bitterly. “An hour ago I was thanking God I’d found you. Now I’m thankful I found you out—before it was too late. Oh, I know what a real woman is—or ought to be. I read about one once in a novel. I had no idea they’d gone so far as to demoralize the stage.”
    That was all. An hour later Stafford was uneventfully and comfortably lying lonesome but safe in his bachelor bed. The only really important thing about the story is its application. As Stafford himself expressed it a day or two later, it’s a waste of time to search for live specimens of an extinct species.

A Professional Recall
    T HEY MET AT Q UINBY’S UNEXPECTEDLY, for the first time in three months, and after the handshake proceeded to their old table in the corner.
    “Well, how goes it?” asked Bendy.
    “Bendy,” said Dudd Bronson, ignoring the question, “I am the greatest man in the world. I myself am for ham and cabbage, since it tickles my feelings, but if you want anything from peacocks’ hearts to marmalade, it’s on me.”
    Bendy stared at the roll of bills Dudd brought out of his trousers’ pocket. “Dudd,” he said, his voice trembling, “I respect you. Please put it in your breast pocket so I can see the bulge. What was the occurrence?”
    “I hate to tell it,” declared Dudd. “Bendy, I am a modest man. When you admire me most, remember I said that.
    “The pity of it is that there was no one to watch me. I done it in solitude.
    “One day, about two weeks ago, I walks into the sanctum of David Jetmore. Jetmore is the best lawyer in Horton, over in Jersey. He’s one of them fat, bulgy men that looks right through you with a circumambious gaze.
    “ ‘Mr. Jetmore,’ says I, ‘my name is Abe Delman. I been running a store over in Pauline with my brother Leo. We had a fight over a personal matter which ain’t to the purpose, and when Leo began lookin’ for me in an unpeaceful manner I came away for my health. Now I want to get my half of the store which I am broke till I get it, and you should write to Leo’s lawyer, who is Mr. Devlin of Ironton, about a settlement.’
    “ ‘Have you something for a retainer?’ asks Jetmore.
    “ ‘No,’ says I, ‘I’m livin’ at a hotel.’
    “ ‘I’m a busy man,’ says Jetmore, ‘and how do I know I’ll get any money?’
    “ ‘Mr. Jetmore,’ says I, ‘that store’s worth three thousand dollars if it’s worth a cent. And if my half ain’t enough, maybe you can get Leo to give you some of his.’
    “Finally, after I explained promiscuously why I had to keep at an unsafe distance from brother Leo, and other delicate points, Jetmore says he’ll take the job. When he says Devlin, Leo’s lawyer in Ironton, is a personal friend of his, I told him that made it all the better, but I had a mental reserve about the espree dee corpse.
    “That same afternoon about four hours later I walks into Devlin’s office in Ironton.
    “ ‘Mr. Devlin,’ says I, ‘my name is Leo Delman. I been running it a store over in Pauline with my brother Abe. We had a fight over a personal matter which ain’t to the purpose, and Abe left for parts unknown without my blessing. Two days ago comes a letter from Abe’s lawyer, Mr. Jetmore of Horton, about Abe’s share in the store, which he didn’t wait to take with him, and I told him to write to you, because you should make it a settlement for me.’
    “Bendy, these lawyers is all the same. All they think about is what’s in it for them. They’re parasites, Bendy. They’re a menace to society.
    “ ‘Have you something for a retainer?’ asks Devlin.
    “ ‘Mr. Devlin,’ says I, ‘I have not.’
    “ ‘Then,’ says he, ‘how do you expect to settle with brother Abe?’
    “Bendy, I know you won’t repeat this to any of our friends, or I wouldn’t tell it. It fills me with shame, Bendy, when I remember that fifty I