As White as Snow by Salla Simukka Read Free Book Online Page B

there was something wrong with me. That I had the wrong name and the wrong clothes and that I looked all wrong. That I acted all wrong. Or that people looked at me and assumed something, but then I didn’t actually feel like I was what they assumed at all.”
    “You shouldn’t have to worry about what other people think.”
    “News flash, Lumikki: The world happens to be full of other people. And we all have to get along with them somehow. Work. Hobbies. Life. And not everyone is as open-minded as you. I would think you’d know that by now. You of all people.”
    Blaze looked past Lumikki. Lumikki saw from the tension in his jaw that he was gritting his teeth. Bringing up her school bullying was a little uncalled-for. And besides, that was never about open-mindedness or tolerance. Nothing Lumikki could have been or done or said ever would have been right in the minds of her tormentors. Being selected as their victim had been pure, cruel chance. The violence had simply been violence. They had wanted to hurt her and break her spirit, and that was that.
    Blaze and Lumikki’s conversations grew into arguments, and their arguments grew into fights.
    The fights always fell into the same trap.
    Blaze thought Lumikki didn’t understand or was being too cavalier about what he was dealing with. Lumikki promised over and over to support Blaze no matter what happened,but Blaze thought she could never understand the pain and agony and emptiness he felt.
    “For you, your body has always just been your own. You haven’t ever had to think about it,” Blaze argued.
    Lumikki admitted that might be true. But why would that stop her from standing by his side?
    “I’m probably going to be pretty pissy company during the next stages of the transition. Honestly, I don’t know if I’ll even be able to stand myself. What I do know is that I can’t be responsible for anyone else’s happiness. It’s better if I’m alone. Otherwise, I’ll just end up hurting you for no reason.”
    Lumikki soon realized her objections were futile. Blaze had made his decision. He had made his choice, and that choice didn’t include Lumikki.
    Lumikki rolled over onto her stomach on the hostel bed and punched her pillow, which had long since lost its shape. Dark thoughts were burrowing out of the corners of her mind again where Lumikki thought she had swept them away for good.
    Where was Blaze right now? Who was he with? Did he already have a new girlfriend who could lie with him on the dock of their cabin, protected from the eyes of prying neighbors? Was he stealing to her side and placing his soft yet strong hand lightly on her stomach, watching as first she’d smile with her eyes closed and then gradually bite her lower lip as her breath quickened—even though Blaze was still doing nothing more than resting his hand on her smooth skin.
    Was someone else making Blaze laugh right now? After lighting in his icy eyes that fire that was like joy condensedinto light? The thought was too much for Lumikki to bear. It tore her up inside and left a bad taste in her mouth. She knew how irrational her feelings were, but she couldn’t help it.
    That was what Lumikki hated the most. That she was possessive of a person who had chosen to exile her from his life. She was blindingly jealous even though she didn’t know if Blaze even had someone in his life or not. Maybe the uncertainty was the worst thing. If she’d known, she could have been angry or bitter or even sad, but now all she could do was toss and turn in bed and hit her pillow and wonder if maybe, just maybe . . .
    Lumikki could always imagine the worst. She could imagine the most beautiful girl in the world with the best-reasoned opinions and the funniest stories and the most elegant manners. Who could make Blaze so giddy with joy and desire and love that he wouldn’t even remember being with Lumikki.
    Lumikki knew she was torturing herself for nothing. In the morning, everything black would look