At Swim-Two-Birds by Flann O’Brien Read Free Book Online Page B

sensations? Is it not possible to be more precise?
    It is. He was consumed by doubts as to his own identity, as to the nature of his body and the cast of his countenance.
    In what manner did he resolve these doubts?
    By the sensory perception of his ten fingers.
    By feeling?
    Yes.
    Did you write the following: Sir Francis Thumb Drake, comma, with three inquiring midshipmen and a cabin boy, comma, he dispatched in a wrinkled Mayflower across the seas of his Braille face?
    I did.
    I put it to you that the passage was written by Mr. Tracy and that you stole it.
    No.
    I put it to you that you are lying.
    No.
    Describe this man's conduct after he had examined his face.
    He arose from his bed and examined his stomach, lower chest and legs.
    What parts did he not examine?
    His back, neck and head.
    Can you suggest a reason for so imperfect a survey?
    Yes. His vision was necessarily limited by the movement of his neck.
    (At this point Judge Shanahan entered the court adjusting his dress and said: That point was exceedingly well taken. Proceed.)
    Having examined his stomach, legs and lower chest, what did he do next?
    He dressed.
    He dressed? A suit of the latest pattern, made to measure?
    No. A suit of navy-blue of the pre-War style.
    With a vent behind?
    Yes.
    The cast-aways of your own wardrobe?
    Yes.
    I put it to you that your intention was purely to humiliate him.
    No. By no means.
    And after he was dressed in his ludicrous clothes...?
    He spent some time searching in his room for a looking-glass or for a surface that would enable him to ascertain the character of his countenance.
    You had already hidden the glass?
    No. I had forgotten to provide one.
    By reason of his doubts as to his personal appearance, he suffered considerable mental anguish?
    It is possible.
    You could have appeared to him - by magic if necessary - and explained his identity and duties to him. Why did you not perform so obvious an errand of mercy?
    I do not know.
    Answer the question, please.
    (At this point Judge Sweeny made an angry noise with a crack of his stout-glass on the counter and retired in a hurried petulant manner from the court.)
    I suppose I fell asleep.
    I see. You fell asleep.
    Conclusion of the foregoing.
    Biographical reminiscence, part the third: The early winter in which these matters were occupying my attention was a season of unexampled severity. The prevailing wind (according to the word of Brinsley) was from the eastern point and was not infrequently saturated with a fine chilly rain. From my bed I had perceived the sodden forms of travellers lurking behind the frosted windows of the tramtops. Morning would come slowly, decaying to twilight in the early afternoon.
    A congenital disposition predisposing me to the most common of the wasting diseases - a cousin had died in Davos - had induced in me what was perhaps a disproportionate concern for pulmonary well-being; at all events I recall that I rarely left my room for the first three months of the winter except on occasions when my domestic circumstances made it necessary for me to appear casually before my uncle attired in my grey street-coat. I was, if possible, on worse terms than ever with him, my continued failure to produce for his examination a book called Die Harzreise being a sore point. I cannot recall that I ever quitted the four walls of the house. Alexander, who had chosen a scheme of studies similar to my own, answered with my voice at lecture roll-calls.
    It was in the New Year, in February, I think, that I discovered that my person was verminous. A growing irritation in various parts of my body led me to examine my bedclothes and the discovery of lice in large numbers was the result of my researches. I was surprised and experienced also a sense of shame. I resolved at the time to make an end of my dissolute habits and composed mentally a regime of physical regeneration which included bending exercises.
    One consequence of my resolve, at any rate, was that I attended at