stand to be in a room without windows for long.” Which was quite the inconvenience when you were working with a security detail that kept its headquarters in a van. I was afraid I had professed too much, but that was not what Brigitte honed in on.
“You’re avoiding my question,” she pointed out gently. It was a little surprising to get none of the scorn that I deserved, but I figured she’d keep that for a time when I wasn’t so open and raw as right now.
“I know. I don’t have an answer. I think I grieved for a while, mostly for myself. And then it turned into that festering ulcer low in my stomach. But I could have lived with that indefinitely, I think.”
“You think?”
I paused, but there was no reason to play the same game with her as I’d been forced to with Adam. The game where I had to insist every day that I was getting better instead of worse because I knew that would make him feel better. Because it was the answer he wanted to hear.
“Quite frankly, I might have become a little too familiar with the idea of ending it, once and for all. But as insane as that might sound, I’m not suicidal, so there’s a conflict there that I believe would have raged on past the age where it still mattered.”
“Ah, love. Such a beautiful thing,” Brigitte remarked, looking at the table between us before her gaze caught mine again. “You’re working for the CIA now?”
“Homeland Security mostly, but I think they have ties to all the other agencies. I might be wrong, but I got the feeling that all of the members of the team that dear Agent Smith managed to rally got ousted by their old agencies one way or another. Classical thriller plot, really—ragtag band of misfit agents out to redeem themselves in the eyes of their superiors.”
“Makes me wonder where the whore fits into this. Key witness maybe?” she mused.
I shrugged. “My witness statement seems not valuable enough or she wouldn’t have pressed me into helping her. I think she wants concrete evidence, like a signed confession or some shit.”
Brigitte’s eyes widened a fraction.
“Like the guy who managed to leave the entire world oblivious to the fact that he has quite a few skeletons in his closet would make a mistake like that? The fact that he’s a lawyer and would likely fight every single piece of evidence tooth and nail notwithstanding.”
“She also thought it was a good idea that, for starters, I just lurk around so he sees me, but I never approach him. You know, like I’m a ghost haunting him?”
She snorted, but I could already see cunning calculation in her eyes as she thought about that.
“And your idea is to go into full frontal attack instead?” My shrug was answer enough. “What do you aim to accomplish with that? Except getting strangled in a coat rack somewhere.”
So much for hoping that I could keep my concerns from her. Unlike before, I doubted she meant that as a figure of speech. I’d spent the entire night thinking about that, and, even now, I wasn’t sure what to answer.
“Judging from how he looked at me last night, I’d say I have a very good chance of getting under his skin, so making him make mistakes is possible. But you are right—he won’t make many of them, and I doubt that they’ll hold up in court.”
Doubt clouded her gaze for a moment before it turned shrewd.
“And the alternative?”
I waited for a moment to try to come up with a better phrasing, but there really was none.
“If I want to make sure that he can’t hurt anyone else again, I’ll have to make sure that he literally cannot hurt anyone else again, right?”
Brigitte took that a lot calmer than I’d expected.
“You think you can do that?”
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “I don’t want to, but I have a certain feeling that if I push him enough, he will force me to act, and my survival instinct won out once already.”
I really wasn’t sure how I felt about premeditated murder, but, as it was,