Ballad of the Black and Blue Mind by Anne Roiphe Read Free Book Online Page A

stiff, her limbs close to her body, all on her side of the bed. He could sleep if she would come to him. But she didn’t want to. She didn’t want sex, she wanted happiness and that she could not have. Fritz got up from the bed, put on his robe, and fixed himself a pastrami sandwich with a pickle. He walked to Anna’s room and listened for sounds of music or talk. He might go in, he might ask her what is wrong. He might rumple her hair as he did when she was six. He might tell her a story or play his Rolling Stones tapes for her. The light was on, he could see it, pale but inviting, slipping under the crack of the closed door. He knocked. It’s me, he said, Can I come in? Go away, she said in the voice of a child. He stood there, uncertain. Go away, she said again. He did. He went to the kitchen and ate his sandwich in the dark. He spilled pickle juice on the table and left it there.
    Meyer had a nightmare. In it an alien was oozing through the slats of the air conditioner. He was watching it push through, translucent flesh, claws like icicles and bulbous eyes that fixed on Meyer sitting up in his bed. He woke breathing hard and his hand reached down to his organ. All right. Just a dream. Dreams had meaning, his father had explained. Something to do with forbidden wishes. He did not wish to be eaten by an alien. He rose to go to the window and heard the water running in the bathroom. His sister must be there. He decided to go tell her his dream. He went to the door and would have knocked but it was open a crack already. Anna was sitting on the edge of the bathtub. There was blood. In her hand was a razor. Meyer jumped away from the door. He was still dreaming. He rushed back to his bed and tried to wake up. After a little while he did.
    Before she sat down in Dr. Berman’s office Anna took off her sweatshirt. She was wearing a tight T-shirt and at first Dr. Berman saw only her small breasts and an outline of the nipples, and then she saw the scars and the fresh cuts and the scabs. She did not immediately remark on the elephant that was now clearly in the room. Ah, one of those, she thought. This would not be a short treatment. This girl before her might be just at the beginning of a long slide down, a slow journey into invalidism, hospital corridors, curiosity in the eyes of her old friends. On the other hand maybe not. Dr. Berman suddenly was tired. Did she have the strength for this? Did she really want to ride this ride into the tunnel with this child? She intended to have her hair done this afternoon after her last appointment. Her red hair held firm like a helmet, but the dull gray roots like repressed memories kept reappearing.
    Anna looked at her and waited. Dr. Berman said, Monkeys in cages are known to tear at their fur and pierce their skin and birds in cages can peck at their bodies until they bleed. What kind of a cage are you in? Anna said, I don’t watch Animal Planet . Dr. Berman said, How long has this been going on? Since the month before I went to college, said Anna. Do you want it to stop? asked Dr. Berman. Yes, said Anna. This wasn’t a very convincing yes, it wasn’t a heartfelt yes, but it was a yes, nevertheless.
    Beth was tired. Did she need a calcium supplement? Beth woke in the morning with a cramp in her leg. On her way to her eleven o’clock class Beth heard her cell phone ring and she was afraid, what now? It was the dry cleaners, they had found her missing gray blouse. There was a certain light that had left her eyes, Fritz noticed. Meyer who never paid any attention to his mother noticed. At dinner he complimented her blue jacket and he asked her if she wanted him to get her anything when he walked the dog. Her cell phone had an icon that glowed a radioactive green to illustrate how much power was left in its storage hold. Her own power she felt had drained below 20 percent and when it was all gone she would go blank. No people chargers existed. Fritz made