Bootleg

Bootleg by Damon Wayans with David Asbery Read Free Book Online

Book: Bootleg by Damon Wayans with David Asbery Read Free Book Online
Authors: Damon Wayans with David Asbery
still wants me to talk to her in bed. When we first got together, I could say things like, “You have beautiful eyes,” and “I love making love to you.”
    Now that we’ve been together for seventeen years, I’m running out of things to say. Last night it was, “I like the way you stack the groceries in the freezer. The meats provide a real good foundation for the bulky bags of frozen vegetables, and then the way you balance the ice cream containers on top of it all. It really turns me on!”

How to Make Your Man Not Forget Your Wedding Anniversary
      A fter all these years of being married, I’m realizing that I don’t make the same effort that I used to in the romance department. This is messed up because my wife really deserves it. Sometimes I’ll be watching TV and she’ll walk into the room and I just get overwhelmed with love and appreciation for her.
    I’ll look over at her and say to myself, “Damn, look at this woman. I’ve known her almost eighteen years. She’s given me four beautiful and healthy kids and she’s still looking good. I need to go over there and tell her how much I love her and how much I need her in my life.”
    But then the commercial’s over, the game’s back on and I’m like, “Ahh, I’ll tell her later…. Jordan’s got the ball!”
    Things had gotten to a point where we just had an anniversary recently and I almost forgot! It wasn’t until she said “Happy Anniversary” that I remembered. I felt real shitty and selfish. I pondered andasked myself “Why?” Why did I forget? Even more, why do men in general forget? I’ve had friends who’ve forgotten their anniversaries. It’s unforgivable, yes, but there’s got to be a reason for it. And now, I think I’ve figured it out.
    If you’re a woman, I know what you’re thinking—your man doesn’t love you. But it’s not that at all. It’s because anniversaries are a celebration of the wedding ceremony. And the wedding ceremony was something dreamed up by the girl. That was y’all’s little day on the town. The rice, the flowers, and all your girlfriends … Men didn’t have any input into that. We just wanted to get laid and got tricked into all of this other stuff that in our minds is really just beside the point.
    Let me illustrate my point:
    Man : Hey, look, baby, I got to have sex with you or I’m gonna explode.
    Woman : No, if you want me, it’s going to be forever. Now, what you need to do is drop down on one knee and confess your love to me. Tell me that it’s me and no one else and then I want you to give me a diamond ring to show me you mean business. And I mean a bigger diamond ring ‘cause this little piece of shit you gave me for my birthday ain’t working.
    Man : Then am I gonna get some sex?
    Woman : No, not yet. First, what we’re gonna do is have this big celebration, and we are going to invite all my friends and family and everybody that you hate. And we are gonna congregate in church and in front of God and my father you are going to confess your love to me and you’re gonna tell me till death do you part you’ll love me and only me.
    Man : Then can I get some sex?
    Woman : No. Then we’re gonna run out into the limo.
    Man : We gonna have sex in a limo?
    Woman : No, we’re going to the airport.
    Man : We gonna have sex on a plane?
    Woman : No, we’re going halfway around the world to an exclusive little island infested with mosquitoes. Then you gonna pick me up and carry me across the threshold and tell me how beautiful I am and how much you love me.
    Man : Then we can have sex?
    Woman : No, silly, I’ll be on my period by then!
    So you can clearly see why a guy can forget his anniversary. Ladies, if you wanted your man to remember your anniversary, you should let the men come up with the wedding ceremony. We would have come up with something that we would never forget.
    Consider this alternative scenario:
    Man : All right, girl, before I get all sentimental, this is what I need

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