Break Free & Be Broken by Eros Winter Read Free Book Online Page B

my second line. The hit is harsh on my throat. Even the heavy sedative action of the drug isn't enough to quell the scalding burn, and it is only with maximum effort that I'm able to hold in the smoke. I want to take another hit to wash the pain away but I’m scared that will only make it worse. If only there was a way I could get higher without smoking....
    For one full and solid second, all I can do is stare at my beautiful mind. In the next, I am on my feet, rushing into my room as fast as my doped up body will allow. I explode into the closet, ripping open drawers, searching, searching, for tools long forgotten.
    Back in my drug using prime, I was no stranger to intoxication by needle, and I'm pretty sure I still have a couple tucked away somewhere. I tear through my closet like a man insane but find nothing. Shit! I don't think any amount of drug could hold back the frenzied frustration that comes about when you can't find something. God I hate searching! Especially when it's my only reasonable means to an end. Having to drive to the store to buy needles sounds so anticlimactic and terrible it isn't even worth considering. I either have to find my needles or wait for the pain in my throat to run its course and then continue smoking. That sounds anticlimactic and terrible as well. I should have planned this better, though in my defense, I guess I never saw it coming.
    Like a ray of light on a tundra, inspiration falls upon me. I drop onto my knees and scramble to the bed, throwing a hand underneath to begin its purposeful shuffle. I seem to recall... YES! My hand lands on an old shoe box. I pull the dust covered thing out and open it up. Inside is everything I need for a proper shot of feel good to the heart. I'm equal parts excitement and dread. If this wasn't real before, it certainly is now.
    Frantic, strung out memories from my junkie days flash through my mind as I prepare the dose. There is no joy inside me as I go through the motions of getting the drug and needle ready. I can see the future shooting out before me, furious and dark. I may very well be letting the life of a junkie reclaim me and pull me down to my demise. The fact I am doing this is proof enough that I am doomed. I let myself slide last night and the whole system fell apart.
    I can't believe I'm doing this.
    I start out putting just the usual amount in the spoon. I pause, thinking that since it’s been so long since I last shot up, maybe I should use less-ease myself back into it. I pause the pause, the true depth of this moment's potential sinking in with a death like finality.
    I could kill myself right now. I look down at the glob of black in my lap. I add a little more to the spoon, then I add a lot: all of it. Not even the hardest users I ever knew could stomach this much and be okay. The perfection of the plan is hard to ignore.
    My strength is lost. I don't have enough to rebuild my regimen, I don't have enough to drag me to my shitty fucking job, and I certainly don't have enough to fight off another full wave of this addiction. It wasn't a lie or a trick when I realized I wanted to die. It was the truth, and now I have a way to make it happen.
    I've been scraping by with crippled legs and swollen lungs for far too long. This is my moment. This is my chance to get out-peacefully, easily-carried by the only companion I have left.
    I look down at my arm. With great pride, I see that tying it up is unnecessary-my veins are already bulging as it is-but for old time sake, I tie it off anyway. I take a long moment to stare down at my arm. I flex my wrist and watch cords of muscle contract under webs of vein. It fills me with tears. I did good with my body. This baby would have lasted me forever if I let it. It is my mind that couldn't handle what was what, and unfortunately, mind and body are one. I can't eliminate one without eliminating the other, so tonight, they both go.
    Enough dilly dallying. It's time to end this.
    I don't bother filtering