Crime Stories by Jack Kilborn Read Free Book Online Page B

the roll of fabric softener and the Perry Como LP, and got started.

Written for the essay collection James Bond in the 21 st Century. I had a lot of fun with this, being a Bond fan for practically my whole life. Plus, it gave me the opportunity to simply string jokes together, rather than deal with a plot or characters.
    I f your first exposure to James Bond happened before the age of nine, you probably fell in love with the series for one reason: The Gadgets.
    The women were hot, but you wouldn’t care about that for a few more years. James Bond was tough and could fight, but so could those short guys on UHF’s Samurai Saturday, and they had the added appeal of speaking without their lips matching their words. Global politics, espionage, and undercover infiltrations still aren’t interesting, years later.
    No, the thing that made your pre-pubescent brain scream with unrestrained joy was all the cool stuff Bond picked up in Q Section. You wanted the grappling hook pistol, and the pen filled with acid, and the laser watch, and the hand-held suction cups for climbing walls, and the wrist dart gun, and the rappelling cummerbund—even though you had no idea what a cummerbund was.
    But now that you’re all grown up, do the gadgets still have the same appeal? Do you still wish you could run to the nearest Wal-Mart and buy an electric razor that can deliver a close shave plus sweep your room for electronic listening devices?
    This practical guide will look at some of best of Bond’s gadgets, and offer valuable buying advice to those interested in plunking down their hard earned dollars for spy gear.
     
GADGET
False bottom briefcase which holds a magnetic mine, used by Bond in Octopussy.
USES
Protecting and transporting papers, blowing things up.
COOLNESS
Hidden compartments are always cool. So are mines.
REALITY
These already exist, in a wide variety of colors and payloads.
DO YOU WANT IT?
Yes you do. Think about how memorable your next corporate meeting will be if you’re carrying one of these.
SAFETY TIP
Don’t try to bring it through airport security.
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GADGET
Snorkel that looks like a seagull, used by Bond in Goldfinger.
USES
Fool your friends at the pool, see other seagulls up close, collect change from the bottom of public fountains.
COOLNESS
Uncool. The crocodile submarine in Octopussy has many more applications. In fact, so does simple SCUBA gear. Q Section was apparently hitting the NyQuil when they thought this up.
REALITY
Possible to manufacture, but tough to market, depending on where you put your lips.
DO YOU WANT IT?
Not really, except to amuse yourself while drinking too much.
SAFETY TIP
Boil the bird after every use.
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GADGET
Ski pole that fires a rocket, used in Octopussy.
USES
Improve your slalom time, blow up your friends, roast a chicken really fast.
COOLNESS
Very cool.
REALITY
Single use wouldn’t be practical, it would be too heavy, and it might go off too soon (many men have this problem, and it’s nothing to be embarrassed about.)
DO YOU WANT IT?
Yes, but you should be careful—tucking high explosives under your arm while speeding 70mph downhill isn’t for anyone under the age of 14.
SAFETY TIP
Practice on the bunny slope before you take it down that black diamond run.
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GADGET
Aston Martin DB5 sports car, used by Bond in Goldfinger and Thunderball.
USES
The ultimate road rage machine/babe magnet. Oil slick sprayer, smoke screens, tire slashing blades, machine guns, and an ejector seat for when your blind date turns out to be a bore.
COOLNESS
This is one pimped out ride.
REALITY
You could probably pay to have this car custom made, but it would cost a lot of money, and you wouldn’t be allowed to drive it anywhere, except maybe in Texas.
DO YOU WANT IT?
Hell, yeah. Rush hour would never be the same.
SAFETY TIP
At the dealer, don’t be afraid to haggle. And don’t get suckered into buying the undercarriage rust protection.
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GADGET
Stick-on third nipple, used by Bond in The Man With