Crossing by Stacey Wallace Benefiel Read Free Book Online Page A

don’t just say shit like that. If the acting thing doesn’t work out for you, and I’m not saying it won’t, but if it doesn’t, you should be a writer. You’ve got a way with words, Dani.”
    If it’s possible, my shoulders melt down even more. He’s turning me to mush. “You want to hear my monologue for the auditions on Saturday? I wrote it.”
    “Hell yeah.”
    He removes his hands from me and my body feels a little bit colder and sadder for it.
    I stand and motion for him to sit back down. He slides into the chair and looks up at me attentively.
    I stand before him and bow my head. Here goes nothing .
    I lift my face and look directly at Liam.

    “ I thought I’d had enough of harsh words,
    And when I said to Chase, ‘If THEY call me a desperate fag-hag one more time I’m going to shoot myself in the face,” I didn’t mean it.
    I didn’t mean it.
    But my words, like THEIRS, bloomed in his brain.
    The fag to my hag. My best friend.
    My heart since we were thirteen-year-old embodiments of confusion riding bus #86 to Heartland Middle School.”

    I take a step closer to Liam and hold my hands up like I’m a coach drawing a play on a dry erase board.

    “ After four years of relentless. After four years of IGNORE THEM and IT GETS BETTER, Chase’s first and last fist fight went down like this:

    I mark an X.

    “ He was grabbed by the collar of his jacket by a boy not much bigger than him, but who had heterosexual macho man confidence on his side, and yanked down hard on to the asphalt. Chase’s head bounced once and then he rolled onto his side.”

    I mimic drawing arrows.

    “ I’m walking from the school to the parking lot to meet Chase at his car and I watch this happen.
    Get up! The voice in my head screams. But instead all Chase does is cover his face with his hands.
    Other people see. Some walk on by and some join in. The hum of their accusations reaches my ears.
    I stand frozen clutching my Hello Kitty binder to my chest, my fingernails clawing that pussy’s eyes out, as two boys start kicking the crap out of my best friend.
    In the kidneys, in the balls. A heel to his shoulder. A crack!
    I start running across the parking lot, wishing my loud mouth would work. Why is it failing me when I need it most? Wishing I had enough courage to draw their attention away.
    At the edge of the circle they’ve formed around him, there is a break and Chase glances up at me.
    I feel their harsh words in their stares, lasering in on me and think,
    ‘ I can stop being his friend and they won’t hurt me anymore, because he is always going to hurt.’
    He isn’t even standing up for himself.

    One word out of Chase’s mouth:
    RUN.
    He’s wrong.
    I’m one of THEM now.
    To save myself, I back away slowly.
    I tear my heart out and dropkick it into the bloodthirsty crowd.”

    I back up a step.

    “ Later that night I send him a text:
    I’m sorry.
    I’m pathetic.
    I probably could’ve taken Robbie Johnson on, he’s always had that limp.

    No answer.

    The next day at school, the hum is louder. My parking lot transformation was a sham and I’m glad of it.
    I search for my friend.”

    Turning to the side, I make myself tall, like I’m towering over someone.

    “ Oh, pooooooooor hag. Ding dong her fag is dead.”

    I turn to the other side and cower.

    “ What?
    Surely THEY hadn’t beaten him to…”

    Back to towering, I make a finger gun and put it to my face.

    “ Bang!”

    I shrink to cowering.

    “ What? I heard myself saying again, but I knew.
    Chase had taken my words and made them his own.”

    I shift my gaze away from Liam and utter the last line: “I didn’t mean it, but he did.”
    Then, I wait a beat before looking back at him. I wish I’d waited longer. Liam’s eyebrows are drawn together tightly into a scowl and his lips are pursed. He’s pissed. I’ve said something stupid and I don’t even know what it was. My monologue sucks.
    “Okay well, I can tell you hated it and now