Culture War
areas of conflict now before marriage rather than let the problems
fester. I promise your marriage will be stronger for
    “ Well, the only thing that
upsets me a little is that she keeps threatening to kill me over
every little thing,” said Private Krueger. “I realize it’s just a
small cultural issue, but I’m sure she means it.”
    “ Of course I mean it,” said
Dawn. “How can a relationship grow and last if you aren’t true to
your word? You have to mean what you say.”
    “ Willie says you threaten
him over every little thing,” said Pastor Jim. “Perhaps you could
take into account human customs and social norms, and threaten him
less often on minor matters? Or maybe just beat him rather than
kill him?”
    “ You mean like if he
doesn’t do the dishes or take out the trash on time?” asked Dawn.
“I am an old-fashioned traditional female from New Memphis, but I
guess I could relax my standards a little to allow for some
cultural differences between species. I love Willie so
    “ I think we are making
grand progress,” said Pastor Jim.
    “ What about the other times
Dawn threatens to kill me?” asked Private Krueger. “Her demands are
    “ I don’t know what you
mean,” said Dawn, starting to cry. “How am I being unreasonable? I
only want happiness for us. That’s why I am here.”
    “ It’s her sexual demands,”
said Private Krueger. “Sometimes she frightens me so badly I almost
have a heart attack.”
    “ May I record this?” asked
Major Lopez, setting a recorder on the table.
    “ I don’t know what he is
talking about,” said Dawn, smashing the recording device with her
claw. “Like I said before, I am an old-fashioned traditional female
with old-fashioned traditional needs. Of course I will kill Willie
if I do not orgasm every time we have sex. He knew that before we
entered into our relationship. But, so far that has not been a
    “ That is more information
than I needed to hear,” I blurted, getting up to leave.
    “ Every time?” asked Pastor
Jim. “That is not reasonable, according to human
    “ Why not?” asked Dawn. “If
he gets to, I should too. Besides, that is the promise he made me
that first time. I’m holding him to it!”
    “ I was drunk,” said Private
Krueger. “I would have promised anything to get in. All guys do
    “ This is all new ground we
are exploring here today,” said Pastor Jim. “You marriage will be
the first between species. You might find that some expectations
may not be physically possible, especially as you both get
    “ No problem,” said Dawn.
“If I find out later he doesn’t measure up, I’ll just kill him. You
can’t fight centuries of tradition.”
    “ This is normal behavior
for your species?” asked Pastor Jim.
    “ Of course,” said Dawn.
“Our males treat their mates with respect.”
    “ Now I know why Corporal
Washington is always so tired,” commented Pastor Jim, shaking his
head. “He has two wives.”
    “ I thought spider wives
became more submissive after marriage,” I interjected. “That’s what
Corporal Wayne told me.”
    “ I am a Hell’s Angel,” said
Dawn. “I won’t budge from my high standards!”
    “ Still, you need to be
knowledgeable and respectful of the cultural and physical
differences between species,” said Pastor Jim. “Otherwise your
marriage may end tragically.”
    “ I am knowledgeable,” said
Dawn. “I have been reading everything I can about human culture on
the database. Even your culture discusses the Black Widow. Do you
deny there are black widows on Earth?”
    “ No,” said Pastor Jim, “but
black widows are not human.”
    “ Well neither am I,” said
Dawn. “I am keeping my standards. It is important for the social
fabric of society that certain standards be respected, maintained,
and preserved. I heard that on cable TV just today.”
    “ I think this discussion
has been very

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