Dating Down by Stefanie Lyons Read Free Book Online Page B

guys dress like that?
    Gavin: sm No interruptions!
    Me: sm Sorry.
    Gavin: sm How ’bout … we get some drinks?
    We secretly sip
    Jack & Coke & Jack & Coke & Jack & Coke
    while the first band plays.
    The music pulses through me
    swiftly
    swaying
    bleeding into me
    bold acrylic colors
    on a clean canvas.
    I’m light-headed
    must learn to control my drinking
    must learn to pace myself
    and missing X.
    I run into Party Betty,
    a sparkling beauty in Jane’s diamond studs.
    I ask if she’s seen X,
    she points to a door.
    Betty: sm If you’re into that.
    What does that mean?
    I jiggle, jangle open the door
    caught up in a rug
    only opens a crack
    but it’s enough
    to see X on a couch beside
    five other people
    white powder
    all over the table
    spinning room
    spiraling noise
    expanding darkness
    smell of cleaning fluid
    mixed with don’t be a baby and
    X
    his horrified face
    signaling that I’m
    seeing his secrets
    suddenly I’m sick.
    I try to act cool— It’s no big deal.
    I’ve seen it all before —I’m no baby.
    I want to crawl into myself
    ball up and hide
    but the cleaning smell gets to me
    and I vomit
    on the rug buckled into a ball
    by the door.

What I Learn at the Show
    I close the door and
    idiot
    push my way through the crowd
    stupid
    gathering in greater numbers
    stupid me
    as the ticking minutes promise them
    what
    their big-name band
    on Earth
    their big night out
    am I doing?
    their big, happyhappyhappy time together.
    And me,
    silly
    vomiting in public
    baby baby
    sm pushing my way out of the room,
    sm grabbing Gavin
    gasping for air
    grinding my teeth
    out on the sidewalk
    sm head between hands
    elbows on knees.
    As Gavin rubs my back, I tell him.
    I feel sick, wishing it was just
    a cold
    a virus
    I could catch and get over
    a guy
    I could dump and get over
    but I care too much
    hurt too much.
    Gavin: sm So your boyfriend’s a druggie.
    Me: sm That’s a little harsh.
    Gavin: sm You’re in love with a guy who does hardcore drugs.
    Me: sm Cut it out. Maybe he can explain.
    But I know, inside,
    if he’s hiding these kinds of things,
    it can’t be good.
    Gavin: sm How ’bout … we get you out of here?

What I Leave at the Show
    SorrySorrySorrySorrySorrySorrySorrySorrySorry
SorrySorrySorrySorrySorrySorrySorrySorry
    SorrySorrySorrySorrySorrySorrySorrySorrySorry
SorrySorrySorrySorrySorrySorrySorrySorry
    flows out of X’s mouth.
    Swears he doesn’t use
    meth.
    That was meth?
    Says he was just hanging out, nothing less, nothing more.
    X: sm It’s not something big. If that’s what you thought.
    Something big?
    Seems pretty big.
    But he swears he
    was
    not
    using
    meth.
    Should I believe him?
    I want to believe him.
    I want to love him.
    I still love him.
    Me:
    Gavin: sm Meth?! Such a white-trash drug.
    Like there is a hierarchy sm of users.
    A class system sm of users.
    An income bracke sm of users.
    Looking down on sm other users.
    Gavin takes me home.
    He’s—
    my knight in shining armor
    my valiant prince
    my protector.
    Everything I thought
    X
    was.

I Am Not a Baby, I Am
Not a Baby
    here I am
    here
    there you are
    there
    between us
    truth
    around us
    albatross
    cheating me
    cheating
    you, smoking
    gun
    blazing hot
    lit
    by the summer heat
    sniffed murky haze of
    night snuffed out while
    listening to music
    rumors foolish.
    but who? me
    or you?
    it’s something big,
    white hot
    bang
    knocking me over with
    powder-strong force
    liars and thieves
    trample
    my heart
    shoot up
    gunned down
    in the midst of love
    in the middle of lust
    in the market of leftover
    naiveté
    gone.
    blame the bandits of youth
    robbed.
    baby
    baby
    baby
    baby
    baby
    baby
    baby
    me.

The Bad News
    Coming home drunk
    gets me grounded
    for two weeks.
    Summer without
    cell phone sm parties sm friends.
    I …
    should be ashamed
    should know better
    shouldn’t embarrass the family
    should never have been allowed out
    with that