Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States by Dave Barry Read Free Book Online

states that, since a well-regulated militia is necessary
    to the security of a free state, you can buy high-powered guns via mail
    order and go out into the woods with your friends and absolutely vaporize
    some deer. The Third Amendment states that you don’t have to quarter troops inside your
    house. “You troops are just going to have to sleep on the patio” is a
    perfectly constitutional thing for You to tell them. The Fourth Amendment states that if your aunt had testicles, she would be your
    uncle. The Fifth Amendment states that your Fifth Amendment rights cannot be violated
    until you are advised of them. The Sixth Amendment states that if you ar accused of a crime, you have the
    right to a trial before a jury of people too stupid to get out of jury
    duty. The Seventh Amendment states that if you are in the Express Lane, and you have
    more than one item of produce of the same biological type, such as two
    grapefruit, you have the right to count these as one item in order to
    keep yourself under the ten-item limit. The Eighth Amendment states that if You are seated directly in front of a
    person who has to comment on every Single scene in the movie—and we are
    talking here about Perceptive Comments, such as when a movie character is
    getting into his car and the person behind you says, “He’s getting into
    his car now!”—then you have the right to go “SSSHHHHH?” two times in a
    warning manner, after which you have the right to kill this person with a
    stick. The Ninth Amendment states that you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife. The Tenth Amendment states that, OK, if your neighbor’s wife is dropping a lot
    of hints, really coming on to you, that is a different matter.
    Ratification of the Constitution
     
    it took a long time for the states to ratify the Constitution, because in those days communication was difficult. After a state legislature had voted for ratification, a messenger would be dispatched on horseback to carry the word to the new nation’s capital. Often he would ride for days over poor roads through sparsely populated wilderness areas until he realized that the new nation had no capital. “Ha-ha!” he would remark to his horse. “That darned legislature has tricked me again!” Then he would be attacked by bears. Clearly a capital was needed. The logical choice seemed to be Washington, D.C., a city blessed with a natural beltway teeming with consultants.
     
    Also we should keep in mind that women and minority groups were continuing to make some gigantic contributions.
     
    THE ELECTION OF THE FIRST PRESIDENT
     
    The leading contender in the first presidential election race was George Washington, who waged a campaign based on heavy exposure in media such as coins, stamps, and famous oil paintings. This shrewd strategy carried him to a landslide victory in which he carried every state except Massachusetts, which voted for George McGovern.
     
    And thus it was that on October 8, the newly sworn-in president stood before a large cheering throng of his fellow countrymen and delivered his famous inaugural address, in which he offered the famous stirring words “We cannot [something] the [machines? birds?] of [something] will never [something]. As far as I know.” Unfortunately, there were no microphones back then. This was only one of the problems facing the fledgling nation, as we shall see.
     
    DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
    1. How come history books never have sex scenes? You know, like: “James
    Madison, unable to restrain his passion any longer, thrust his
    ink-engorged pen into the second draft of the Federalist papers. 2. Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, With a top speed of
    120 feet per second, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.
    How long, traveling at top speed, will it take the cow to travel 360
    feet?

CHAPTER EIGHT
A Brash Young Nation Gets into Wars and Stuff
    Once the federal government was organized, the biggest problem was how to pay off