Dear Lumpy by Louise Mortimer Read Free Book Online Page A

drama had died down my affinity returned to that of the youngest sibling and throughout my marriage Dad showed me nothing but support and affection.
    Burghclere
    11 June
    Dearest L,
    How are things going down your way? I have ordered (and paid for) 96 bottles of Louis Kremer White Label Champagne and hope that will be enough. I think there has been a present sent to you here – a cushion – from the first Mrs Surtees. Answers to the invitations are flooding in. All the refusals – a high proportion – are from people in Devonshire, presumably relations and friends of Henry and his family. You will be pleased to hear Aunt Boo is coming! Your mother has had a fairly stiff letter from Mrs Pope which she is sending on to you as it is only right and proper that you both know what our old friends feel about the whole business. Lupin has been ill with dysentery while staying with the Guinnesses. Major Surtees crowned the Jubilee Queen of West Ilsley and then fell off the platform, injuring the right cheek of his arse.
    Your affec. father,
    RM
    My poor father is on the receiving end of yet more disapproval from various friends and family.
    Dearest L,
    It was nice seeing you and I hope you will behave yourself and keep well in the interval before the ‘wedding’. I have written to Loopy and told him that a suit, not a tailcoat is the correct order. Henry will no doubt do what he likes and if he turns up in leopard jock strap it is nothing to do with me. I would of course prefer him to conform. Be tactful with your mother as she is in a very nervous state and liable to make scenes. After all, you have put a great strain on her.
    RM
    My father gives implicit instructions that, in lieu of a speech, the following will be sung by the Mortimer family at the reception (tune: ‘How pleasant to know Mr Lear’):
    How pleasant to know Lady K,
    My ideal of a wife and a mother,
    Her last husband called it a day
    But very soon she picked up another.
    Dear Loopy has seen better days
    But to drink a bit isn’t a sin
    By lunchtime he will be in a haze
    As he doesn’t half punish the gin.
    As for Henry I freely admit
    That I find him a little bit wearing.
    It’s not that he is really a shit
    But when pissed he is so overbearing.
    I am leaving the best to the end,
    That fearful old harridan, Granny,
    If I catch her one day on the bend
    I’ll give her my boot up the fanny.
    As this is a fairly respectable collection of my father’s letters, I have left out the middle lines of the poem as I do not want to be sued.
    Budds Farm
    14 June
    Dearest L,
    Mrs Rumbold rang up this morning and asked if you had ‘a list’ anywhere: I said I thought Peter Jones. I hope I was right. May I respectfully offer some advice? When you receive a wedding present, sit down at once and write a short note thanking the donor. Older people, I fear, mind frightfully if they do not receive an acknowledgement in quickish time; in any case, you don’t want to be left with a whole stack of letters to be written. I have already heard rumblings from old Camilla about a blanket, and also from my sister about something or other. I agree old people are pernickety and difficult, but if you deal with them speedily, they won’t bother me and your mother! God knows, we have plenty to worry about without additional nagging from septuagenarians. Answers to invitations come in at a rapid rate, mostly refusals, thank God, so with luck the drink will last out. I think there has only been 1 (one) acceptance from Lady Kennard’s list. I would not myself much fancy driving from Devonshire on a Saturday in July. Your god-father Cecil cannot come, nor, thank God can Gershom Stewart. Aunt Pam has sent a post-card from Monte Carlo where it is cold and wet.
    Your affec. father,
    RM
    Dad is on a roll now with his wedding advice.
    Dearest L,
    It is incredibly vulgar to address people like Cousins Tom and Cecil Langton-May as ‘Mr’ on the envelope. T. F. Blackwell Esq or Cecil Langton-May