Dear Lumpy by Louise Mortimer Read Free Book Online Page B

Esquire is correct. ‘Mr’ is OK for a tradesman.
    Xx D
    Having taken my father’s advice on thank you letters, I get into more trouble for incorrectly addressing the envelopes. A major faux pas.
    The Grumblings
    Much Chattering
    Berks
    1 August
    Dearest Miss Plumpling,
    The rain is pouring down and I am doing my accounts, a task that always reduces me to tears. Yesterday I took the merry Nidnod on a little expedition down the River Avon which she enjoyed. I also bought Christmas presents for you, Jane and Nicholas so that’s something off what remains of my mind. Monday was for once fine and we had lunch in the garden. Mr P. honoured us with his presence and bought an agreeable blonde divorcée whom I rather fancy stands a fairish chance of becoming Mrs P. IV! The previous day we lunched with the Darlings where Pongo distinguished himself by doing a No 2 on Noel’s head. We had a very good lunch preceded by tepid Pimms almost devoid of alcoholic content. In the evening we were held up in Lambourn by the Carnival which rather annoyed your mother. On the Saturday we dined with Dame Anne Parker-Bowles (the only head of the Girl Guides who had her uniform designed in Paris) and your mother sat next to an elderly actor who recently ‘died’ in a serial called ‘The Survivors’. As a matter of fact he had a thrombosis afterwards and very nearly expired in actuality. Your mother rather fancies him and as he lives in Highclere I shall have to watch it a bit. The Cringer did his utmost to eat the postman yesterday and I shall have to keep an eye on his temper with strangers. I don’t know where Lupin is: he seems to have no plans for the future. Still, as long as he is happy it does not much matter. The Bomers old bitch has had six puppies while they are on holiday in Wales. I enclose a small goose’s neck to help get you to Scotland for your doubtless sorely needed vacation. Don’t give your Jewish solicitors roast pork too often for lunch: or pigs’ trotters.
    Give my kind regards to Henry,
    XXX D
    Having survived the marriage blessing life returns to some form of normality. I put my new cooking skills to use working for a firm of Jewish solicitors in the City.
    The Olde Dosse House
    Burghclere
    My Dearest Miss Plumpling,
    I hope you are well and above all happy. I went up to London today and spent a laborious morning with my publisher who was born in Fleet but otherwise seems fairly harmless. I met your bossy sister for Lunch at Ladbroke’s Club where most of the members wear dark glasses indoors and look like minor characters from
The Sweeney
. Jane ordered smoked salmon mousse (the most expensive item on the card) and something that looked like curried goat. Paul joined us for coffee and brandy. We then all went to Heywood Hill’s bookshop where Jane talked much but purchased little. As Major Surtees’s office was nearby we next trooped off there and found him in conference with some pissy Dutchmen. We all joined in and Paul found the senior Dutchman lived next door to his own firm’s factory in Holland so everything got v. matey and a biggish hole was made in the Major’s port supply. When we bade farewell, the Major gave Jane a lovebite in the neck: rather saucy of him I thought! We then had tea at Paul’s club, after which I got on the wrong train at Waterloo. Nidnod can be very peculiar but she is better than the bride’s mother at the wedding we have just been to who was totally slosherino and had to lie down during the reception. She got up to see the lucky couple off by helicopter but unfortunately by then had lost her boots!
    XXX RFM
    P.S. The Cringer sends a damp and odoriferous kiss.
    On the whole my father has a fairly disparaging view of publishers.
    Budds Farm
    Sunday
    Dearest L,
    Thank you so much for your letter. I’m pleased to hear you are coming for Christmas and I shall rely on you to keep your mother more or less under control. She has been in one of her most tiresome moods lately and has