Delicious! by Ruth Reichl Read Free Book Online Page A

refund the money that I spent!”
    “Let’s see where the problem might lie,” I began. “Let’s start with the scallops: What kind did you buy? The large sea scallops or the little bay kind?”
    “Oh, really!” Her voice was chilly now. “I would never purchase scallops. They are far too expensive. I substituted canned clams.”
    “Any other substitutions?” I inquired. “Perhaps you used half and half in place of heavy cream?”
    “Don’t be ridiculous!” Now she was cross. “I never have cream in the house; it is far too rich. I always use powdered milk.”
    “Of course.” I could almost see her kitchen as she talked. It would be small—maybe a double-wide trailer, with one of those half refrigerators and a tiny stove. She sounded so sad. “I don’t imagine you had any wine on hand?”
    “I used water. But I did add a bit of lemon juice to give it some zip.”
    Trying to imagine how this bizarre amalgamation might have tasted, I suffered a complete failure of the imagination.
    “It was vile,” she told me. “Simply vile. Will you stand behind your Guarantee?”
    What was I supposed to do? “May I put you on hold?” I asked. “For a moment?”
    “You must be new.” Her voice had grown suspicious. “That other girl never put me on hold.”
    “Never?” Just how often had Mrs. Cloverly called? “It will be only a moment,” I said.
    “Never mind.” Her voice filled with weary resignation. “I know what you’re going to say.” A bitter note crept in. “One more institution that lies to the public and refuses to honor its promises.”
    She sounded so lonely, so filled with despair. “Send us your receipts, Mrs. Cloverly,” I blurted out. “We want everyone to be satisfied with the recipes in
Delicious!
”
    “Really?” She sounded shocked. “Are you sure?”
    “Yes, ma’am.” But as the words came out of my mouth, I suddenly saw the truth: Mrs. Cloverly was one of Jake’s decoys. I had fallen into another trap.
    “Why, thank you very much, dear.” She sounded so triumphant that for a moment I almost believed she was for real. “It’s good to know there are still people who believe in honoring their promises. You have yourself a blessed day.”
    “You too, Mrs. Cloverly.” She’d overdone it with the blessing bit.
    “Cloverly?” Richard had come in to inspect the new flowers, and hereached out an elegant index finger to pet a hydrangea. “Did I just hear you offer her a refund? Big mistake.”
    “That’s what I figured,” I sighed. “I totally blew it, didn’t I? She’s another one of Jake’s tests.”
    Richard looked puzzled.
    “You know, like the Sal Test,” I prompted. “Another way to find out if I’m right for
Delicious!
”
    Richard’s face cleared. “Not even Jake could dream up Mrs. Cloverly. What I meant was that now she’s going to call twice a day. And all I can say is, good luck to you.”
    Jake appeared, leaning his long body against the doorframe. “Did I hear ‘Cloverly’?”
    “Yes.” Richard was laughing. “Billie offered her a refund.”
    “You did what?” Jake looked horrified.
    “I didn’t know what else to do.” I repeated the conversation, and Jake laughed so hard that Richard had to pound him on the back.
    “Oh, Billie,” he gasped when he could finally breathe again, “I’ll be eating out on that story for weeks! Worth every penny that we’ll pay her.”
    “But we can’t refund everybody’s money!” I said.
    “Why not? Do you have any idea how much cheaper this is than hiring a PR firm? And I told you, the Guarantee is all about public relations. But you’ve just encouraged our most incorrigible caller, and, believe me, you’re going to regret it. The woman is relentless.”

Nowhere
    Dear Genie,
    I love this city so much. Some weekends I just get on the subway and get off in random neighborhoods, walking the streets, going in and out of bakeries and butcher shops. One day I went out to Jackson Heights and almost