Determination by Jamie Mayfield Read Free Book Online Page A

deserve it. I know Mike gets a little excited because he’s really protective of his friends, but you are what’s kept me going these last two years. That last year of high school, when I realized that they all knew I was gay, I wanted to run, or hide, or something. I just wanted to get away from the looks and the whispering, but I knew that I had to finish if I wanted to see you again. Then, after everything happened with Mosely, I couldn’t let myself give up. I hadn’t heard from you, 32
    Jamie Mayfield

    and a little voice inside me just kept telling me that you were in trouble.
    My Jamie would have done anything to keep in contact with me, and the fact that you hadn’t… it scared me so badly.” Brian’s voice had fallen to a whisper, and the pain in it filled my chest with such longing that it ached.
    “God, I wanted to. I kept looking for ways, but we had no access to the Internet, and they monitored all of our mail. I couldn’t contact you because I thought that my mom would call the state on your parents, and no matter how much I needed you, I wouldn’t risk that.
    You were safe with the Schreibers. I knew I just had to survive until we were both eighteen. But the more I thought about you, the more I hated myself because I was so selfish to hold you to that promise. I didn’t think you’d be able to get to California or that we could be together. I didn’t have anything to offer you. So I wrote you that letter, and I gave you up. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done because I needed you so much.” The tears welled in my eyes as I remembered how my hands had shaken more with each word I wrote. I’d cried so hard that night as I waited for dawn and the food delivery truck to come.
    “I knew, as soon as I read the letter. I knew that you were in trouble and that you needed me. I’d almost decided to take the scholarship and go off to college because I didn’t even know if you were still in California. I packed that night and got on a bus the next day. You got me through that too. I never would have had the courage to leave Alabama and start a new life here without you.” He squeezed me tighter in his arms, and I stared at the blanket covering my chest.
    “I ruined your life,” I admitted. The choking sadness in my voice must have caught him off guard, because he turned me in his arms and grabbed my chin. He forced me to look up into his face.
    “You saved my life. Things here in San Diego are so much better for me than they ever were in Alabama, except for our time together.
    Do you remember what high school was like for me before you left?
    You were my only friend. People tolerated me when you were around, but when you weren’t, they were cruel. I have amazing friends here who care about me. I have a social life. I have a life, period. I know that you and my parents don’t like me doing porn, but since I got over my initial embarrassment, I don’t have a problem with it. Nick, Julio, and Determination
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    some of the other guys are teaching me the production side of things, and it’s really interesting. I have fans, Jamie. You should see some of the comments that people make on the boards and on the social media sites. I finally feel attractive—sometimes I even feel kinda sexy.” Brian laughed, and the light-hearted sound contrasted sharply with the earlier seriousness. I had to smile at him.
    “You are sexy, Brian. God, I used to think of all kinds of horrible things after gym class just to stop myself from getting hard when I saw you. At night, I used to jack off thinking about you and dreaming about a time when we could be together like this.” I swept my arm over us to indicate our position. “Just sitting in each other’s arms, totally unafraid of being discovered. If I weren’t so scared about what Steven is going to do when he finds us, it would be a dream come true.”
    “I will not let him hurt you again,” Brian murmured against my neck. “I’d give my life to