Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency by Douglas Adams Read Free Book Online Page B

into his pillow.
    His scheme, therefore, was to exploit his alleged gifts without ever actually claiming to have them.  In fact he would react to stories about his supposed powers with open incredulity, even hostility.

    ‘Five miles meandering with a mazy motion
    Through wood and dale the sacred river ran,
    Then reached the caverns measureless to man,
    And sank in tumult to a lifeless ocean:
    And ‘mid this tumult Kubla heard from far
    Ancestral voices prophesying war!’

    Dirk was also, he denied, a clairaudient.  He would sometimes hum tunes in his sleep that two weeks later would turn out to be a hit for someone.  Not too difficult to organise, really.
    In fact, he had always done the bare minimum of research necessary to support these myths.  He was lazy, and essentially what he did was allow people’s enthusiastic credulity to do the work for him.  The laziness was essential -- if his supposed feats of the paranormal had been detailed and accurate, then people might have been suspicious and looked for other explanations.  On the other hand, the more vague and ambiguous his ‘predictions’ the more other people’s own wishful thinking would close the credibility gap.
    Dirk never made much out of it -- at least, he appeared not to.  In fact, the benefit to himself, as a student, of being continually wined and dined at other people’s expense was more considerable than anyone would expect unless they sat down and worked out the figures.
    And, of course, he never claimed -- in fact, he actively denied -- that any of it was even remotely true.
    He was therefore well placed to execute a very nice and tasty little scam come the time of finals.

    ‘The shadow of the dome of pleasure
    Floated midway on the waves;
    Where was heard the mingled measure
    From the fountain and the caves.
    It was a miracle of rare device,
    A sunny pleasure-dome with caves of ice!’

    ‘Good heavens...!’ Reg suddenly seemed to awake with a start from the light doze into which he had gently slipped under the influence of the wine and the reading, and glanced about himself with blank surprise, but nothing had changed.  Coleridge’s words sang through a warm and contented silence that had settled on the great hall.  After another quick frown, Reg settled back into another doze, but this time a slightly more attentive one.

    ‘A damsel with a dulcimer
    In a vision once I saw:
    It was an Abyssinian maid,
    And on her dulcimer she played,
    Singing of Mount Abora.’

    Dirk allowed himself to be persuaded to make, under hypnosis, a firm prediction about what questions would be set for examination that summer.
    He himself first planted the idea by explaining exactly the sort of thing that he would never, under any circumstances, be prepared to do, though in many ways he would like to, just to have the chance to disprove his alleged and strongly disavowed abilities.
    And it was on these grounds, carefully prepared, that he eventually agreed -- only because it would once and for all scotch the whole silly -- immensely, tediously silly -- business.  He would make his predictions by means of automatic writing under proper supervision, and they would then be sealed in an envelope and deposited at the bank until after the exams.
    Then they would be opened to see how accurate they had been after the exams.
    He was, not surprisingly, offered some pretty hefty bribes from a pretty hefty number of people to let them see the predictions he had written down, but he was absolutely shocked by the idea.  That, he said, would be dishonest...

    ‘Could I revive within me
    Her symphony and song,
    To such a deep delight ‘twould win me,
    That with music loud and long,
    I would build that dome in air,
    That sunny dome! Those caves of ice!’

    Then, a short time later, Dirk allowed himself to be seen around town wearing something of a vexed and solemn expression.  At first he waved aside enquiries as to what it was that was bothering him, but eventually