Doctor On Toast by Richard Gordon Read Free Book Online Page A

little man hesitated a moment, then chucked some silver at the gateman and clicked rapidly inside.
    ‘We seemed to have rather staggered the other visitor,’ I remarked, as we followed.
    ‘And can’t you believe it?’ replied Sir Lancelot shortly. ‘Now, you two – what do you want to look at first? Eh? Damnation! Didn’t you go before you left home? Grimsdyke!’
    ‘Sir?’
    ‘You take charge of that side of the operations. As both these infants seem to be suffering from congenital hypoplasia of the bladder, I shall attempt to seek refuge from the elements in that kiosk until their symptoms are relieved.’
    When we got back Sir Lancelot was shivering, and Randolph announced he wanted a ride on an elephant.
    ‘I doubt very much if you’ll find an elephant plying for hire this afternoon,’ his uncle told him loftily. ‘I am afraid you will have to content yourself with merely observing one of the creatures through the – in the name of heaven, Grimsdyke! Can’t you control him?’
    The little horror let out a scream and started pummelling Sir Lancelot’s legs with his fists.
    ‘You, girl!’ he roared. ‘Don’t just stand there. You’re his big sister. Try and shut him up.’
    Hilda pouted. ‘He’s been promised a ride on an elephant since his birthday.’
    ‘You can’t expect me to produce elephants out of a hat, you ugly little moron.’
    ‘I’ll tell my Mummy you called me that.’
    ‘All right, all right! I’ll see if I can find a ruddy elephant. In heaven’s name, detach this child from my overcoat.’
    I obliged, by exerting surgical traction on his ear.
    ‘Now let us go and look at the monkeys.’
    ‘I don’t want to see any monkeys,’ announced the girl. ‘I want an ice-cream.’
    ‘Good God!’ Sir Lancelot wiped the snow from his face. ‘Ice cream!’
    I had the bright idea of settling for a few bars of chocolate, and slipped all my loose change into a convenient slot-machine. This shut up the brats until we reached the monkey-house, which at least was nice and warm. But you know what monkeys are. The way they were carrying on even Sir Lancelot felt the children should be moved, and as they were both laughing their heads off I fancied we might have another scene. But fortunately Sir Lancelot could be a pretty crafty opponent, even for that pair.
    ‘Let us now,’ he announced mysteriously. ‘Go and visit the Equus caballus .’
    From the way the kids started jumping up and down I suppose they expected some fabulous monster, probably with two heads. They looked pretty disappointed when faced with just a couple of ordinary ponies.
    ‘The evolution of the horse,’ began Sir Lancelot, before they had time to complain, ‘which developed from a small four-toed Eocene mammal, is both interesting and instructive.’
    He then gave a short zoological lecture stuffed with Latin, which silenced them completely.
    Sir Lancelot had only got as far as the Mesohippus when an odd movement caught my eye at the end of the pony house. It was the little chap in the bowler peeping at us round the corner.
    ‘Feller’s probably mad,’ grunted the surgeon when I mentioned this. ‘Though it’s a strange thing, Grimsdyke – I could swear I’ve seen him somewhere before.’
    ‘Probably one of your patients, sir?’
    He shook his head. ‘I never forget an abdomen or a face. However, we have more than madmen to worry about. Now, you two children, we shall go and inspect the Mus Rattus .’
    As we struggled down the Elephant Walk in driving snow towards the rodent house, I was a bit surprised to hear Sir Lancelot give a laugh.
    ‘Talking of faces, I’ve just remembered who the hairy baboon reminds me of. My brother George – the one who ran away to sea.’
    The snow down my neck had reached my twelfth thoracic vertebra, so I could only rise to a polite murmur about imagining it on the bridge with a peaked cap and a telescope in a hurricane.
    ‘I can assure you my brother George has not suffered