Dogfight by Calvin Trillin Read Free Book Online

mediocre
    That they might need the service of a broker?

16.
  
Stuck Again
    So Romney won his home state vote—but barely.
    Republicans now faced the fact that rarely,
    If ever, had the word “presumptive” come
    And gone so many times as in this scrum.
    One moment Romney seems to have the prize—
    The delegates, endorsements from the guys
    Who’ve always in the party had the clout.
    A moment later something casts a doubt
    On whether in November he’d come through.
    That starts anew: in lieu of Romney, who?
    Some longed still for some sort of alpha lion—
    A pro like Christie, Daniels, Bush, or Ryan.
    In Michigan, Newt finished fourth once more,
    Which meant, some thought, that he’d be out the door.
    The right-wing forces thought that they would do
    Much better fielding just one man, not two.
    When Gingrich had a major surge, he’d tried
    Suggesting Rick Santorum move aside,
    Which would, by Newton’s reckoning, permit
    The right-wing vote for once to be unsplit.
    At that point, Rick would not accept defeat.
    Nor now would Newt, when shoes had changed their feet.
    ----
         On Not Leaving the Field
        Right-wingers who want to be heard
        Note Newt at his best’s only third.
        But if right-wing votes were combined,
        The front-runner might fall behind.
        So they say to Newt, “Won’t you go?”
        And Newt, being Newt, answers no.
        Newt’s ideological kin
        Are dreading a moderate’s win.
        They argue they might turn the tide
        If Gingrich will just step aside.
        Then Mitt can’t divide a duet.
        And Newt, being Newt, still says
nyet.
        “When England was under the blitz,
        Did Churchill say, ‘Let’s call it quits’?”
        Says Newt, “That is not what you see
        From statesmen like Churchill and me.”
        “Oh, please, just this once, Newt,” they say.
        And Newt, being Newt, says “No way.”
    ----
    If Mitt had hoped to have “presumptive” nailed
    On Super Tuesday, then of course he failed.
    In delegates his total acquisition
    Was not enough to crush the competition.
    Sure, Rick, who’d won three states, was still behind;
    Just Georgia had the Newtster on its mind.
    But still Mitt failed to get the votes he needed
    To briskly march toward Tampa unimpeded.
    And if he finally managed his ascendance,
    Would he be too far right for independents?
    His manager said no, this wasn’t true,
    Because, like Etch A Sketch, he’ll start anew.
    To start anew—to flop, then flip—appeared
    To be precisely what the right wing feared.
    Yes, added to accumulated fodder, it
    Portrayed him as a Massachusetts moderate—
    The sort of man who, once he wins the bid’ll,
    With just one shake, skedaddle toward the middle.
    ----
         The Situation
        So Mitt’s officially an Etch A Sketch,
        And Rick says JFK’s speech made him retch.
        Ron Paul’s a ditz, and Gingrich is a letch.
        Though nets are flung as far as they will stretch,
        There isn’t any white knight there to fetch.
        Republicans thus sit around and kvetch.
    ----

17.
  
The Southern Strategy
    In Southern states, Mitt Romney’s stump routine
    Was singular, and something to be seen.
    To come off even folksier than Paul,
    He’d throw in, now and then, a goofy “y’all.”
    His favorite food? He sounded as if it’s
    Some catfish with a side of “cheesy grits.”
    Some Southerners thought Mitt should quit pretending;
    From him, it came across as condescending
    To think with Southern voters he’d be blending
    By dropping
g
from every gerund’s ending.
    As if he had some chaw in his jeans pocket,
    He stood there and recited “Davy Crockett.”
    The Southern crowd just wondered what it means
    That he had perfect creases in those jeans.
    ----
         I’m a Mandarin Who’s Panderin’
        Mitt Romney’s my name.
        I’m aimin’ to please.
        The