Dr. Tatiana's Sex Advice to All Creation by Olivia Judson Read Free Book Online Page B

The difference in bigness can be explained entirely by the mother’s tender loving care. So why does she bother? Who knows. Perhaps it’s Fisher coming through the back door: perhaps ducks with sexy mates put more effort into their offspring because they know their ducklings will grow up to be sexy too. Is something like this also going on in peacocks? We don’t know. Although peahens don’t alter the size of their eggs, they could be making more subtle adjustments. Female zebra finches mated to attractive males, for example, increase the testosterone composition of their eggs—thus accelerating the speed at which the chicks grow.
    Your situation is similarly complex, my stalky friend. When females mate with you, are they after good genes or sexy sons? There is evidence that if the larval environment is harsh, only a few males have the genes to grow great stalks. Again, at first glance, this supports the good genes idea: females select the males most able to cope with a tough environment. Alas, without information on whether these males have offspring who are more likely to survive than the offspring of other males, we cannot arbitrate. In picking males with the longest eyestalks, the females also increase the odds that their sons will be sexy too.

    Dear Dr. Tatiana,
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    I’m a harlequin-beetle-riding pseudoscorpion. At least, I should be. But when I found a beetle to ride, I wasn’t allowed on board. Some big thug of a pseudoscorpion helped my girlfriend on but pushed me away as the beetle took off. ,She went with him happily, and I just know she’s having sex with him, the tramp. Meanwhile, here I am marooned, a stuck-on-a-rotting-log pseudoscorpion. I’ve tried waving my pincers at harlequin beetles flying overhead, but none has landed. How can I get off this log and find a girl who will be true?
    Stranded in Panama

    Boy, have you got a bundle of problems. Let’s start with the most pressing one—getting you off that log. You won’t get anywhere by waving your pincers, I’m afraid. Here’s the scoop. Harlequin-beetle-riding pseudoscorpions live on rotting logs—the fallen branches of fig trees, preferably. The only problem with this otherwise excellent arrangement is that sooner or later a given log will decay completely; when it does, anyone in residence will perish. So, how can you escape from the log before it has rotted to nothing? Enter the harlequin beetle.
    Harlequin beetles are magnificent, their jet-black wing covers decorated with jagged red stripes. More germane than their looks, however, is where they make their homes—in rotting logs. The cycle begins when a female harlequin beetle lays her eggs in a freshly fallen fig tree. Her children develop in the wood; after several months, they emerge fully grown. This is your moment. Pseudoscorpions are tiny—far smaller than proper
scorpions (although the real distinction is that you have no sting). This means that you can stow away under a harlequin beetle’s wing covers and fly off to a new home when the harlequin beetle flies to fresh logs to find mates and lay eggs.
    But as you found out, space under the wings is limited. Even on a large beetle, no more than about thirty pseudoscorpions can clamber on board. Worse, a big male pseudoscorpion can easily defend this space from rivals. With bogus gallantry, he lets females on and keeps other males off. Then, when they take to the skies, he will have sex with as many of his companions as possible. Right now, just as you feared, your girlfriend is probably squatting over a packet of sperm that the “big thug” has deposited for her on the harlequin beetle’s back. Sorry about that. And I’m afraid I have some other bad news. Harlequin beetles already out in the world are not attracted to old logs, so there will be no casual passersby. If you can’t find and board another beetle as it emerges, you’ll be marooned forever,