Eat Your Heart Out by Katie Boland Read Free Book Online Page A

can’t complain, right? It’s easy. And, it’s been so long that sometimes I feel like if we broke up it’d be like losing an arm or something.”
    Grace takes her drink, spilling some on her dress and the table, not noticing.
    â€œYeah! Yeah, that’s kind of how it feels. I mean, breaking up, it’s . . . it’s a fucked-up concept in general, especially if you’ve been with someone for a long time. Think about it. One day, you have this conversation with someone who you’ve spent so much time with, and who you’ve been so intimate with, and the conversation can be one-sided, and you say, like, one sentence, like: ‘I want to break up,’ and then however you acted before, whatever you were before, it’s suddenly not allowed. Gone. That’s bullshit! You can’t erase everything that you feel for someone in one conversation. And for so long after that, the person is still so active in your mind, you know?”
    â€œBut some people break up for years.”
    â€œThat’s my point. I think breaking up, in a real sense, takes a really long time. Like it takes months not to associate everything about relationships with that one person. I mean, I’m with Luke, at least for the time being, right? But I think I’m still breaking up with Graham. Everyday I’m a little further away from who I was with him, but it’s not completely gone. It might never be. Don’t you think breaking up is a fucked concept?”
    â€œYeah, but I don’t know because Lily is my first real girlfriend, so I’ve never been through heartbreak before.”
    â€œMaybe you won’t have to. Maybe you guys won’t ever break up.”
    Grace is trying to be kind to Sam, but the thought of being with Lily forever makes him feel violently sick.
    â€œWell, sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be single. Or just not with her. Sometimes I get curious for what something else would be like.”
    â€œYeah. It must be hard to be faithful, hey?”
    Looking at Grace, it is hard.
    â€œSometimes it’s hard. It’s not hard at school because we’re together so much, like she’s in front of me all the time. It’s not that I see new girls all the time that I want to fuck, but it’s the knowing that I can’t, couldn’t. That’s hard.”
    She’s drinking heavily.
    â€œOnly sometimes,” he adds.
    â€œDo you like fucking her?”
    Grace has an adopted bravado about sex. She talks about it roughly, as if that makes all her mistakes, all the hurt, matter less.
    â€œYeah. Yeah, it’s good.”
    â€œGood like great or good like good?”
    He’s not sure how to answer. Lily is the only girl he’s ever been with, but Grace doesn’t know that.
    One night, not long ago, he pretended it was Grace he was making love to, but it was like Lily knew. He could have sworn her face became Grace’s face. Her movements became Grace’s movements. She was dominant, angry; an animal. She wrapped her hands around his neck. She let him pour everything inside into her.
    When he came, she turned into Lily again.
    â€œGood like, I don’t know. Good like great.”
    â€œFuck you! I am so jealous!”
    â€œIt’s not great with Luke?”
    She looks at him like she’s at a loss, as if she doesn’t know what to make of anything, as if it’s just her body present, as if it’s not her Luke’s inside of.
    â€œIt’s sophisticated. Like we go and do stuff in the city and everything. We don’t just fuck all the time, so there’s a build-up. But it’s really shitty sometimes. Most times.”
    â€œReally? What’s shitty about it?”
    Sam doesn’t know why he’s asking. He doesn’t want to know more.
    â€œI don’t feel like he really wants me. I think if I knew he really wanted me I could loosen up. And it’s me too;