Elsinore Canyon by J. M. Read Free Book Online Page A

But she didn’t call, she didn’t ask. Was I one of the “happy pills” she wouldn’t swallow? Had that blackness seduced her in some way, had she discovered some orgiastic hatred that she preferred to my friendship? Over the next month, all I could do was watch helplessly from a distance, loathing the thing we’d seen in the adobe, punching the refresh button on my computer over and over while hoping for news from her hand, and wanting to drive my fist through my monitor over the shit I read and heard.

Dark Water
    Item: Local heiress Dana Hamlet ambushed Robert Pattinson last night on his way out of The Licorice Club in Hollywood. Waving some eggs that she pulled out of her purse, she yelled at the startled hottie, “Have my baby, have my baby!” Bouncers held her off and got spattered with farm-fresh yolks for their efforts. We’re baffled about the whole thing too, since Pattinson is way too slim-hipped for the task.
    Item: Don’t tell the Admissions Committee at Stanford, but incoming frosh Dana Hamlet is at it again. After a clash with club security outside The Licorice last week, she punked the citizens of Beverly Hills by running around the greens in a polar bear costume while carrying a toy seal splattered with red paint. Our informants say the hairess dodged from tree to tree, making growling noises until cops persuaded her to take her head off. Unfortunately the furry white version may be better than the one attached to her shoulders.
    Item: When in doubt, wear black. When in a lot of doubt, wear a hijab? Was a certain wacky trendsetter simply making a fashion statement when she appeared in front of the Islamic Center in Los Angeles last Friday? The mystery fashionista paraded up and down during the sacred afternoon prayer covered in something like a black bed sheet, with signs attached to the head reading “FRONT” and “BACK.” Mosque-goers took issue, and one bearded male threw a Coke can at either the FRONT or the BACK. Says a witness, “She then walked over to where the can had fallen and bowed to it. Then, someone unwrapped her.” At that point, she ran away and tried to get lost among the pedestrians in the streets nearby. Not an easy thing for Dana Hamlet.
    And there was more. She showed up at a Minority Women in Media fundraiser wearing a t-shirt that said “Free Clitoridectomies on Demand!” She bought billboard space on Wilshire and Normandie and put up ads in Korean and English saying “Gooks abort girls.” She scattered flyers at Catholic churches showing a picture of a man with a clerical collar pulling a little kid’s pants down. A caption said, “Birth control is bad. The Church needs your kids.” That got Mr. Hamlet a fine for littering and a candid shot on Perez Hilton complete with white drizzle. She walked one street holding a sign with a medical diagram of a woman’s pelvis with “Government Property” stamped on it. She walked another street holding a sign with a giant photo of Ashton Kutcher hugging a fan girl. A speech balloon going into his mouth said, “Fuck women.” The girl’s speech balloon said, “Yes, please.” That got her arrested on a public indecency charge. She pled guilty and Mr. Hamlet got away with another fine, but she told a reporter she was sorry she missed the chance to buy the judge a BJ in lieu of the fine. Gossip writers asked her for interviews—and she gave them. “Are you prejudiced against African Americans?” “No, it’s just Charlize Theron I hate.” “Who’s the most overrated celebrity?” “I am.” “Why should anyone listen to you?” “Because they read your crappy blog.” “What would you say to young people?” “Words.”
    Item: Dana found out that Phil Polonius had been back in Elsinore Canyon for three days and he hadn’t gotten in touch with her.

    In the thumbprint cove in front of the Polonius cottage, Phil zipped the back of his wetsuit and floated his board on a frothy flat. Normally he surfed with