flashing.
SecretAdm1r3r wants to chat. Do you accept?
I do.
I click the YES button and a new window opens.
Itâs the messenger program that came with my computer. I never use it, had forgotten it existed. My default username, PandaD , occupies the chat window next to an impatient flashing cursor. My parentsâ caution voices whisper across time, warning my eleven-year-old self never to chat with strangers, in person or on the internet. I wonât let this go anywhere skeevy.
PandaD: Hello?
SecretAdm1r3r: Hi.
PandaD: Hi? Thatâs it?
SecretAdm1r3r: Sorry, Iâm a little starstruck. Iâm talking to *GRAY*
PandaD: Who are you?
SecretAdm1r3r: You know I canât tell you that, Panda. If I did, Iâd be in the same predicament youâre in.
PandaD: What youâre doing is creepy.
SecretAdm1r3r: Says the girl who follows people, takes picture of their most private moments, then pimps them for retweets.
PandaD: Thatâs not the way it is! If you knew what they did you wouldnât come at me like this.
SecretAdm1r3r: Oh, I know. Joshua Amell, number 5 on Grayâs Hit List. He switched little Larry Marshâs chocolate milk with something that was almost totally ex-lax. That kid only drank half, but the explosive diarrheaâwhich hit during, and ended, a school assemblyâstill put him in the hospital for two days. And earned him the nickname âShittermission.â You posted pictures of Joshua stealing from the Salvation Armyâs overnight drop box. How low is that guy?
Joshua is a sleaze. That bit of petty larceny got him a few hundred hours of community service, which included him apologizing to a bunch of underprivileged kids. Nowhere near Keachin-gate level, but good enough.
SecretAdm1r3r: Simone Presley, number 9. She befriended a lonely, unattractive transfer student on a dare, then invited the girl to her birthday party where all the other pretty people brought unattractive guests as part of some narcissistic competition where the climax of the night is embarrassing all the clueless victims. A âPig Party,â I hear theyâre called. You got a picture of Simone scoring some Molly downtown, right?
PandaD: Actually, it was coke. Sheâs old school. That photo got her a stint in rehab.
SecretAdm1r3r: Forgive me. I might be fuzzy on the specifics, but I see the theme of your work.
PandaD: Do you go to Portside?
SecretAdm1r3r: Iâm not judging, Panda. I want you to know that.
PandaD: Youâre just dodging my questions.
SecretAdm1r3r: Those I donât want to answer. Ask better ones.
PandaD : Okay. Why arenât you busting me?
SecretAdm1r3r : I understand you. Better than all your little website followers, better than the people youâre avenging. Better than anyone.
PandaD: How do you figure that?
SecretAdm1r3r: Iâve got a camera, too.
PandaD: Old people on dinner cruises have cameras. What gear were you using that night?
SecretAdm1r3r: Canon 20D with a EF50mm lens. Gives me great shots in low light.
PandaD: Interesting. I used something similar when I first started. Thatâs a good beginnerâs rig.
SecretAdm1r3r: Itâs a lot less bulk than what youâre shooting. Was it a Nikon? Hard to tell because your massive lens distracts me so.
PandaD: Oh, whatever! It takes a lot of skill to handle high-quality zoom lenses, thank you very much. One day, if youâre ever comfortable with pro gear, you might see.
SecretAdm1r3r: Pick the right spots and you donât need zoom. Case in point, me shooting you. But, you know, Iâm not a pro or anything.
PandaD: Okay, okay. Truce. Tell me about that room you shot. Dante .
SecretAdm1r3r: Awesome, right?
PandaD: How did you get that fire?
SecretAdm1r3r: What?
PandaD: Was it a set? Did you need a crew? What sort of prep did you do to stage it?
SecretAdm1r3r: I lit a match.
PandaD: Oh, come on!
SecretAdm1r3r: I answered your question. Now, I have one for