a heart-to-heart together to figure it out. He was giving me a free pass - to stop worrying about her. He would always have that job because she was his sister. I was now just a friend again. Actually, I don’t think she even wanted that anymore.
“But she’s not right,” said Ava.
“Coming out of therapy too fucking early will do that,” murmured Zac.
“I have no idea at what stage she thought keeping Will at a distance would help her,” said Noah, also lighting a cigarette.
I let out a sigh and said, “It’s obviously what she thinks she needs. I’m not going to beg. It is what it is.”
“But she’s so unhappy,” said Ava.
“She’s come back to you and Zac being all fucking loved up, Noah and Ivy breathing the same air twenty-four-fucking-seven. It must suck balls to be so fucking unhappy and be around a group that has moved on without her, suffocating her with their own happiness.”
“Tell us how you really feel,” laughed Noah.
“Hey, I’m all for the loved up. I’m just giving you her perspective,” I returned with a shrug.
“But she loves you,” said Ava.
I shrugged and said, “And I love her. Doesn’t mean shit right now, though and we all have to accept it.”
“Did you just say the love word?” asked Ivy with a wink.
I smiled and shook my head. “Yeah, but don’t get used to it. It was a one-time thing.”
“I think her life starts and ends with you,” said Ivy softly, looking over to me again. “Anyone can see that, but she needs time and space to figure it all out.”
I secretly agreed with her but wasn’t planning on sharing any more of my thoughts. “Or you’re all so fucking loved up, living in rainbows and riding unicorns that you can’t see through your own love haze.”
Ivy saw right through me and smiled knowingly. “But unicorns are real, Will.”
I motioned to my forehead and stuck my finger out. “Your boyfriend is definitely a unicorn.”
Noah lunged for me and I got up and walked off, laughing. Time to see another band and get sweaty in the mosh pit.
Janey
Night had fallen and the last bands were playing their sets. It had been an awesome day for everyone. Revellers around me were happy and exhausted but still having a wild time. I was on my fifth soft drink for the day, by one of the bars, sharing some laughs with Ava and Ivy. I hadn’t seen Will in at least two hours and wondered if he had found another girl to play some tonsil hockey with. The girls hadn’t brought him up in conversation and I didn’t know if it was deliberate or not. I had actually enjoyed being with them both and realised how much I needed to have a laugh. For just a moment, I could see a flash of what life could be like sometimes. Easy conversation and a few giggles revealed a truly missed friendship with the girls. I desperately tried to hold on to the feeling before it disappeared because these moments never lasted long. My unease and darkness would soon shroud the happiness, pulling me down to the unhappy place I clearly belonged in. I would always be the unhappy weird chick in the equation. But maybe this was it? Maybe these small moments in time were the only happy fragments of life. I could be searching too hard for the ever elusive happy destination. Maybe I just had to enjoy them before the dark hands of my consciousness pulled me back under. I let out a resigned sigh and looked around, I needed to just let all my thoughts go and just be. I made myself mad inside with the constant drivel of my mind; I needed to close it down, to just enjoy the moment, for however long it lasted.
“So, come back with us tonight,” said Ivy, looking to me. “I think the pool is just what we need after today.”
Would Will bring someone back with him? Would I survive it if he did?
“I need a swim,” said Ava, looking down at her phone. “They’re at the main stage if we want to go meet them now.”
Ivy was still watching me, waiting for an answer that I
Learning to Kill: Stories