Falling Angels by Tracy Chevalier Read Free Book Online Page B

babies. He took pity on me and explained the timing and the signs to look for, and what I might say to my husband to keep him away during those times. It does not work for every woman, but it has for me, and Richard has never guessed--not that he is often in my bed these days. I had to pay the doctor, of course, an ironic fee--"to make certain you've understood my lesson" was how he put it--just the once when my body had recovered. I kept my eyes closed and it wasn't so bad. It did occur to me that he could use it against me, blackmail me for further payments in the flesh, but he never did. For that and his biology lesson I have always been grateful. I even shed a tear when I later heard he had died. An understanding doctor can come in handy at times.
    To be fair to Maude, that trapped feeling had emerged well before her birth. I first felt it one morning when Richard and I were just back from our honeymoon and newly installed in our London house. He kissed me good-bye in my new morning room--which I had chosen to be at the front of the house, overlooking the street rather than the garden, so that I could keep an eye on the world outside--and left to catch his train to work. I watched from the window as he walked away, and felt the same jealousy I had suffered when seeing my brother go off to school. When he had gone around the corner, I turned and looked at the still, quiet room, just on the edge of the city that is the center of the world, and I began to cry. I was twenty years old, and my life had settled into a long, slow course over which I had no control.
    I recovered, of course. I knew very well that I was lucky in many things: to have had an education and a liberal father, to have a husband who is handsome and well enough off that we can afford a cook as well as a live-in maid, and who does not discourage me from bettering myself, even if he is unable to give me the larger world I long for. I dried my tears that morning, grateful that at least my mother-in-law had not been there to see me cry. Small mercies--I thank my God for them.
    My marriage is no longer what it once was. Now I dread Richard's announcement about New Year's. I do not know that he really takes pleasure from the experience itself. Rather he is doing it to punish me. But I do not think I am capable of being what he wants me to be, of becoming once more the lively wife who thinks the world a reasonable place and he a reasonable man.
    If I could do that, or even pretend to, we could spend our New Year's at home. But I can't do it.
    I tried tonight to quell my black feelings and at least not neglect Maude. As we were leaving the bonfire I went up to her, took her hand, and slipped it into the crook of my elbow. Maude jumped as if I had bitten her, then looked guilty for having such a response. She held on to me rather awkwardly, but we managed to remain like that for several minutes before she made an excuse and ran to catch up with her friend. To my shame, I was relieved.

MAY 1904

Maude Coleman
    I know I shouldn't say this, but Grandmother always manages to ruin our day when she visits, even before she arrives. Until her letter came yesterday we were having such a lovely time, sitting around the table on the patio and reading out bits from the papers to each other. That is my favorite time with Mummy and Daddy. It was a warm spring day, the flowers in Mummy's garden were just beginning to bloom, and Mummy for once seemed happy.
    Daddy was reading little snippets out from the Mail, and Mummy from the local paper all the crimes committed that week--fraud, wife beating, and petty theft the most common. She loves the crimes page.
    "Listen to this," she said. " James Smithson has appeared before the court charged with stealing his neighbor's cat. In his defense Mr. Smithson said the puss had made off with the Sunday joint and he was only reclaiming his property, now inside the cat.'"
    We all three laughed, but when Jenny arrived with the letter, Mummy