Falling into Exposure by A. Zavarelli Read Free Book Online Page A

honest, I may as well put myself out there.
    “He’s amazing. I thought he was such an asshole when I first met him, but I was wrong, Alanna. He can be so gentle and sweet, and I like that. But I like it when he’s rough too. I guess I like everything about him, really. But our arrangement was just for fun, nothing permanent….” My voice cracks as I speak. “I don’t know. We can’t be anything permanent anyway, because of me and my stupid life.” I sink into the couch beside her, suddenly feeling sorry for myself.
    “I know that’s what he said at first…” Alanna smiles. “But you can tell he’s crazy about you. There’s no denying that.”
    I want him to be crazy about me because I’m crazy about him.
    “Have you ever…” Alanna hesitates for a moment, picking at an imaginary piece of lint on her shirt. “I don’t know, have you ever thought about staying?”
    My eyes widen in shock as I take in her expression because I know she isn’t joking.
    “Of course I have. Are you kidding me? I think about it every minute of every day.”
    “Well, what if we could?” she asks.
    “What do you mean? That’s not even possible.”
    “I mean what if we worked something out,” she says. “Just figured out a way. I mean we can’t run forever, right? If things keep going well with you and Gabriel, would you consider it?”
    I can’t believe what I’m hearing. From the woman who’s always been so strong, so steadfast. I glance across the couch at the same woman in front of me, weak in the knees and lovesick. I want so badly to reach over and grab her hands, and tell her yes, that we can figure something out. But I know that’s a lie.
    “I… I don’t even know what to say, Alanna. I’m floored. Coming from you, the woman with a heart of steel. I’m just in shock, I think. Of course I want to stay, God I can’t even imagine leaving Gabriel now. But I don’t see how I have a choice. If I were to stay and Eleanore found me, it could put all of us in danger. And I could never live with myself if that happened.”
    “I’m not as strong as you give me credit for, you know,” she says, blinking back tears.
    “What do you mean, Alanna?”
    “I mean, I’m not really a cold hearted bitch. I do have feelings. I have felt things for the men I’ve dated before. Sometimes, it’s completely gutted me having to say goodbye, to at least a few of them. I just never let myself break down in front of you. I’ve always wanted to show you that I was strong and I could be there for you.”
    I lurch forward, hugging her with everything I’ve got.
    “God, Alanna, I had no idea. Why would you think you couldn’t tell me that? I don’t need you to be strong for me, I just need you to be yourself. My best friend. You should be able to tell me anything.”
    My own tears begin to fall and we hold each other tightly for several moments, allowing ourselves to cry.
    “I just want us to have a chance at happiness too,” she whispers.
     
    ***
     
    After all the emotional ups and downs of the day, I’m exhausted when I relax under the stream of hot water in the shower. But I’m still looking forward to my date with Gabriel tonight. We haven’t really gone anywhere in public together, and I’m nervous.
    I don’t know if it’s because of him or the situation with Alanna. I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I can’t leave without her, and I don’t want to. She’s always been strong for me, and maybe now it’s my turn to repay the favor.
    I step out of the shower and dry myself quickly. I don’t feel the need to go overboard with picking out an outfit tonight, so I just throw on a simple black asymmetrical dress. It will get cool out this time of day, but I feel a small thrill at the prospect of Gabriel keeping me warm.
    By the time I step out of the apartment, Alanna has already left to meet Nathan. Gabriel is waiting for me downstairs, ten minutes early no less.
    “I need to give Paul the