Fear the Barfitron by M. D. Payne Read Free Book Online Page A

lady—had eaten that spider was supercreepy. I wondered if the monsters—I mean old people—ate my lebensplasm the same way.
    Mr. Bradley pulled a small vial out of his jacket pocket and took a sip from it. He did this all the time, thinking that it would calm the breath down. Sometimes it worked, but then the room would be filled with a sickening medicine stench. I’m not sure which smell was worse.
    “Hey, Chris,” Ben said, wrinkling his nose. “Youlook as bad as he smells. Are you okay?”
    “They’re eating my lebensplasm,” I mumbled. The words just rolled out before I even realized what I was saying. The mixture of the exhaustion and stench was making me delirious.
    “Did you say ‘eating egg salad’?” asked Ben. “What’s the matter?”
    How could I tell my friend that monsters were eating a gooey extract of me to stay alive? I hardly believed it myself. At this point, I couldn’t remember if I actually saw an old dog last night, or if my mind was just playing tricks on me.
    “Oh, nothing,” I said, recovering quickly and pretending to look awake. “If anything, you’re the one who looks sick.”
    “Ha-ha-ha,” Ben fake-laughed. “Yeah, that’s sort of my thing, I guess. Which is why I’m sure there’s something wrong with you.”
    Before I could defend myself, Mr. Bradley lumbered out of his chair behind his desk and said, “All right, everyone. It’s quiz time!”
    “Awww, not a pop quiz!” I yelled it before I could even stop myself.
    The entire class stared at me. There were a few moments of unbelievably uncomfortable silence, and then Mr. Bradley spoke again.
    “Chris, why are you joking about a pop quiz? Thisquiz was assigned, covering chapters two and three. You do remember, don’t you?”
    I laughed nervously, suddenly realizing that I hadn’t even read chapters two and three. “Well, it’s still a surprise,” I said. “Shocking! Ha!”
    Ben gave me a look that said
Shut up
, so I shut up.
    Still, I wasn’t too worried. I read so much about history and culture online that I was sure to get a C.
    At least I would have. If I hadn’t fallen asleep halfway through the quiz.
    Apparently, I snore. LOUDLY. At least that’s what Mr. Bradley and the principal told me.
    Ben texted me later that day:
    I’m sorry I couldn’t wake you up.
    Dude, my mom was furious!
    I know. I could have shook you more.
    You should have shook me HARDER!
    Are you calling me a wimp?
    Maybe.
    Dude, you’re the one passing out from volunteering.
    It’s IMPORTANT lifesaving work!
    They’re old! How much life can you be saving?
    You don’t understand.
    You’re weird.
    I know. Pls, just let me be weird.
    I stared at my sent message in horror. I had just dropped all of the vowels in “please.” Things were getting bad. I fell back into bed.

As a star student, I had a lot of wiggle room with my parents when I screwed up. My mother wanted to ground me for my Social Studies Siesta, but I’d insisted that I go back to Raven Hill. “But the old people
need
me,” I’d explained in my most annoying, whiny voice.
If only she knew how much they need me,
I thought. After twenty minutes of begging and pleading, she let me go.
    I made my way toward the retirement home. This time no ravens stood between the entrance and me. Pushing my way through the front door, I didn’t even pause when the Nurse said, “Wait here.”
    Nothing was going to stand between me and my lebensplasm.
    Beyond the entrance, the hallways were free of any Nurses or residents. I quickly got to the kitchen doorand reached out to the doorknob to give it a twist…
    “Mr. Taylor, may I help you with something?”
    The voice made tiny hairs on the back of my neck stand up straight. After changing my grimace into a grin, I turned around to face the Director.
    “Oh,” I said, sounding completely calm, “I just needed a drink. I’m really thirsty.”
    The Director looked at me intently for a moment, and then said, just as calmly,