Find Big Fat Fanny Fast by Joe Bruno, Cecelia Maruffi Mogilansky, Sherry Granader Read Free Book Online Page B

because Tony B had convinced her, if she didn't relieve him in some way, he'd get a bad case of “blue balls,” which would render him bent over in terrible pain.
    One thing led to another and pretty soon it was time for the main event.
    Tony B always carried a rubber in his wallet, just in case. The Saturday before Christmas, while Norman Bates was going Psycho on the screen, and the temperature outside in Warwick was nearing zero, Tony B and Ann, rubber in place, consummated their relationship in the back seat of the Caddy. After the deed was done, Tony B removed the soggy rubber and flung it out the passenger’s side window.
    They watched the rest of the movie, and after Norman Bates dressed in his mother's clothes and a scraggly wig, tried to slice up a female motel guest and was thereby sent to the nuthouse, Tony B started the Caddy, left the Warwick Drive-In and headed back to Ann's Greenwood Lake home.
    He parked in her driveway, nose of the Caddy facing in.
    “Come inside,” Ann said. “My parents bought you a Christmas present.”
    Tony B cut the ignition, and he and Ann entered the front door of the O'Reilly residence. The living room was decorated in Early American, with a huge Christmas tree with presents under it propped up by the front bay window.
    Ann's mother Betty was radiant as ever. A forty-something fox with roving eyes, especially after she had imbibed a few martinis, which was almost every night. Tony B figured, a woman with a husband like Ryan O'Reilly, had to knock down a few on a regular basis just not to go crazy.
    “Oh Tony, so good to see you,” Betty said. She was holding an empty martini glass delicately by her right ear. “Can I get you something to drink?”
    Tony B and Ann sat on the couch.
    “No thanks, ma'am,” Tony B said, “I'll be going in a few minutes.”
    “Oh don't be silly,” Betty said. “I was just about to refill mine, how about a small martini?”
    “Could you make it a scotch straight up instead?” Tony B said.
    “One scotch, neat, coming up,” Betty said. She turned to Ann. “Anything for you dear?”
    “No mom, I'm fine,” Ann said.
    Betty did an unsteady about-face and disappeared into the kitchen.
    Tony B and Ann sat on the couch, and she snuggled her head on his shoulder.
    “Mom's a little tight,” Ann said.
    “I'd be tight too, if I woke up next to your father every morning,” Tony B said.
    Ann returned with two drinks and handed Tony B the scotch.
    “I propose a toast,” Betty said.
    She raised her glass. Tony B did the same.
    “To you and my daughter,” Betty said.
    “Salute',” Tony B said, and he watched in amazement as Betty downed her entire martini in one gigantic gulp.
    Ann got up from the couch and went to the Christmas tree. She bent down, extracted a present from the bunch and handed it to Tony B.
    “This is from my parents,” Ann said. “I'll give you yours from me on Christmas day.”
    Tony B was in the process of ripping off the Christmas wrapping paper, when the front door bolted open and Ryan O'Reilly burst through.
    He stared at Tony B with murder in his eyes.
    “Come here you!” he said. “You have some explaining to do.”
    Tony B stood tall. “What's the problem?”
    O'Reilly busted over, grabbed Tony B's arm and squeezed. “Come outside and I'll show you what the problem is.”
    He pushed Tony B towards the front door.
    Tony B wanted to sucker punch this bastard real bad, but he took a deep breath, then headed out the front door, with O'Reilly and the two females following.
    Tony B stood by the driver's door of his Caddy. “Well, what is it?”
    O'Reilly strode around the back of the Caddy to the passenger’s side. He motioned to Tony B with his forefinger. “Wrong side of the car. Come over here.”
    Tony B obeyed, and when he saw what was making O'Reilly angry, he almost swallowed his tongue.
    There it was, the spent rubber Tony B had used at the Warwick Drive-In, frozen stuck on the passenger side of the