Finding an Angel by P. J. Belden Read Free Book Online Page B

hurting. Sad that you were so angry at me,” that is said more to Hunter than them.
    “Jessa…” Hunter starts, but I have to stop him.
    “I realize that all my sadness is for the wrong reasons when I told my mom about them. She said that it was right to feel sorry for your pain, but that I was forgetting the reason. I don’t know that I’ll ever get the feelings right. I don’t know that I’ll ever understand them, but I wanted to let you know that if what I’ve said makes you angry with me. I understand. It makes me angry that I don’t understand. But Mom says that’s frustration,” shaking my head. “I don’t like you hurting. That’s why I gave you his letters to me and the pictures he sent me. Part of me hoped it would heal you. Dad explained to me that it wasn’t that easy…”
    “Have you never had to deal with death before, sweetie?” Mr. Sandean asks.
    “See when you’re me, the reject, the retard, the ‘issue’, demon child… the list goes on people don’t tend to stick around. Mom says that her parents are both gone and Dad told me that one of his brothers had died. But I don’t know who they are. They are faceless people that I don’t know or remember.”
    I look between the three of them. The sadness etched on their faces. Quickly, I hug Hunter and without thinking kiss his lips lightly. And I look between them again.
     The breaking of my heart was audible to my ears. Hugging Miss Lily tighter to me, I make myself say the next words.
    “Having me around, you lose people. You get lost to them. My mom and Dad have been lost from the world for a long time. Even Dad has no co-workers because once my name is mentioned they run.”
    Hunter suddenly realizes what’s going on and tries to take my hand back in his, but I pull away from him and move around them all.
    “Now you have lost Hawkeye. I can’t keep taking people from everyone. I can’t. Please stay in contact with my parents they’ll need you. It was a pleasure knowing all of you.” Looking at Hunter, tears start to fall. “I’ll never forget you and I’ll always love you. Nothing can take that away from me.”
    When Hunter makes a move for me, I turn and run as fast and as hard as I can. Hunter is faster than me and I can’t let him catch me. I can’t let him hold me because then I’ll keep hurting them.
    Running up the stairs of the porch, Mom tries to talk to me and I stop. Hugging them both, I tell them how much I love them and I rush inside, up to my room, and I lock my door, keeping out anyone that might stop me.
    You should have done this a long time ago. The bad voice sneers.
    “You win. I can’t keep doing this to them, any of them.”
    Go get one of your robe belts. The bad voice orders.
    Numbly, I walk into my closet and pull forward one of my robes and I take the belt from the loops leaving the robe hanging there. There’s nothing in me anymore to fight them any longer. They won.
    Go to the bathroom and tie one end around the top pipe for the shower. Then tie the other around your neck and kick the stool away.
    As I did as instructed, I feel a sense of peace coming over me. No longer will I be the reason my parents hurt. No longer will I be the reason that people hurt and lose people. No, for in a few moments, I think as I kick the stool out from under my feet, I’ll be gone and they will all be saved from the curse that is me.

    Fifteen years old…
    For a moment, all I can do is stand there shocked. There’s no way that just happened. She didn’t just hug me, kiss me – sure a small one, but a kiss none the same – and then tell me I’m no longer a part of her life.
    “Mom?”
    “What?”
    My stomach flipping and tightening. “I think she’s going to do something bad. Or did I read too much into that…”
    My question is cut short as my parents start running toward the house and I quickly follow and am soon ahead of them. Rushing the porch, her parents immediately stand