Friend and Foe: When to Cooperate, When to Compete, and How to Succeed at Both by Adam Galinsky, Maurice Schweitzer Read Free Book Online

to win—and they do—the social comparison can be unpleasant, but it is unlikely to be toxic. If, however, we expect to beat our peer and they win, we need to anticipate a charged emotional reaction.
    The second principle of finding the right social comparison balance is providing new opportunities to compete, so that disappointment can be turned into motivation. In other words, will we have the chance to channel regret in a constructive direction?
    Athletes who come in second at the Olympics may never get a second shot at the gold. But for most of us, whether we’re competing for a job, a promotion, or a position on the neighborhood council, we
will
get a second (or even a third or fourth) chance. So instead of licking our wounds at our defeat at the hands of a rival, we would do well to take matters into our own hands; to get back on that horse and try, try again.
    A third key principle to remember about managing social comparisons is to anticipate the possibility that our successes will upset others, even if those around us don’t voice their frustration. After buying a new car or renovating a house, we are often excited to share our new purchases or renovations with other people. But we should err on the side of modesty. This means thinking carefully before we post pictures on Facebook of our new purchases, our renovations, and our exotic vacations. People may congratulate us, but keep in mind that when people feel envy, they rarely admit it. As a result, we may easily miss signs that we have triggered social comparisons.
    One way to be modest is to share
negative
information. Sure, when you get back from your vacation in Fiji, your coworkers and friends will ask you how it was. So, instead of simply showing them 100 photos of the beautiful vistas and meals, and regaling them with tales of your once-in-a-lifetime experience in a shark cage, try telling them about the day it rained and how you had to stay indoors, or how the airline lost your luggage. You’ll be surprised by how satisfied people will be when you allow them to indulge in some schadenfreude.
    And finally, when it comes to using social comparison to boost your own motivation, here is the key rule to keep in mind:
Seek favorable comparisons if you want to feel happier, and seek unfavorable comparisons if you want to push yourself harder.
In other words, when you want to feel better about yourself, consider those who are less fortunate. (Or better yet, spend time volunteering for those less fortunate.) Conversely, when you want to light a competitive fire, consider those who have accomplished a bit more than you have.
    Even people who have to endure the uncertainty of a serious disease and the trauma of treatment can make comparisons work for them. Consider breast cancer patients. Those who cope well with their illness show a particular pattern of comparisons: They focus on less fortunate peers to make themselves feel better about their own condition, but shift their focus to more fortunate peers to draw inspiration.
    This same principle also works in negotiation. Our research with Thomas Mussweiler of the University of Cologne found a way to do well and feel well at the bargaining table. Before we negotiate, we want to find upward comparisons that motivate us to attain the best deal possible. But right after we strike a deal, we want to shift our focus to downward comparisons such as worse deals we could have gotten to maximize our satisfaction.
    We close with a Russian parable. The beginning of the story will sound familiar, but like most stories, it is the ending that drives home its moral.
    A man stumbles across an old lamp. He raises it for closer inspection and wipes away the dust. As he rubs the lamp, a genie appears. The genie offers to give the man anything he desires, but there is a catch. His neighbor will get double.
    The man paces back and forth, thinking furiously. Finally, after several long moments of deep thought he lights up with his