Gangsters' Wives by Tammy Cohen Read Free Book Online

substance.
    My feelings started to change when I had children. Before then I was just as naughty and unconventional and up for doing anything as Howard was. Then, in 1977, I got pregnant with Amber and thought: hang on. I was living on a false passport then and, even though we were travelling all over the world, flying first class and staying in fantastic hotels, I wanted to go home. I wanted to go back to England, reclaim my real identity and basically not put myself in the firing line any more.
    From that point I did try to live a much more low-profile life – well, as much as it’s possible to do while living with the biggest drug dealer in the world, as they called him at the time.
    Once I had the kids, what Howard was doing and how he was making a living started to become a worry. I had my second daughter Golly (real name Francesca) while he was in Brixton prison awaiting trial after the law had finally caught up with him, and he promised he wouldn’t do it any more. I wanted so much to believe him and we actually got married on 22 July 1980, while he was in prison. I felt optimistic that things were going to be different, but in the event it didn’t take him long to go back on his word.
    After he’d gone on trial and been acquitted – which I felt was so lucky – I was very, very disappointed that Howard then went back to crime. I was really, really upset. I thought it was crazy, given all the publicity his case had generated. We argued a lot about it. It would always be ‘oh, this is the last one’, or ‘don’t worry, I’m just the middle man’. There would always be an excuse: ‘It’s all right because …’
    I wanted to believe him. I remember very, very well, being in our old house and looking at him and saying, ‘You’re never going to fucking stop, are you?’ He said, ‘I will …’ but he never did. Until it was too late.
    Howard never came right out and told me he’d started up again after his acquittal, but I’m not stupid. I knew enough about the business by that stage. You hear something on the phone and think: I know what you’re talking about.
    And I hated it. The reason I objected to it was I didn’t want Howard to be arrested. It was about what it could do to our family. It wasn’t a moral judgement. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with hash smoking or smuggling. I didn’t think he was hurting society in any way.
    When he came out of Brixton, Howard set up various legitimate companies. The travel business actually did quite well. Now, of course, I can’t believe he’d ever have made a success of anything because he’s been so useless at seeing things through, but back then I still had my rose-tinted specs on and believed what he was telling me. When the money started coming in, he’d explain it by saying: ‘Oh, we made X in the travel agency business.’ How was I supposed to know if that’s where the money really came from? His parents and sister fell for it. Probably because we all wanted to believe it.
    When I finally realised beyond doubt he was back at it, and I couldn’t stop him, I said to him, ‘I don’t want to know the details.’ That was very hard because half the time the other people involved would come up and start talking to me about it. I’d just say, ‘I don’t want to know, I don’t want to know.’ I said, ‘I don’t want to be put in a position where I have to choose between my children and grassing anyone up. Please don’t tell me anything.’
    It probably sounds silly, but I don’t think I ever gave him a final ultimatum, despite everything. I’d say ‘please stop it or you’re going to get caught’, but I never said ‘stop it or I’ll leave you’. I loved him too much. Plus I wanted to provide a stable family unit for the girls, who absolutely adored their father.
    It really worried me though how much the whole dope dealing scene had changed. When Howard went to Brixton prison for those two years and met all these bank