Gertie's Paranormal Plantation: A Paranormal Romantic Comedy by Melanie James Read Free Book Online Page A

were both laughing at me now. Randy paused long enough to make me feel better. “Hey, nothing says ‘thank you’ like having a very vocal orgasm. Don’t worry, Gertie. We’re just giving you a hard time.”
    “Not as hard as that Greek stud was thinking about giving her!” Esmeralda quipped. Their laughter rapidly built up to the point that Randy was in tears.
    Randy took Esmeralda’s hand. In a cheap and over the top imitation of Vasili’s accent, he mocked the poor visitor. “It will be my honor…” then he made a loud lip smacking kiss on Esmeralda’s hand, “to shish kabob your sweet little ass with my pork sword.”
    Esmeralda couldn’t resist and played along. “Oh my. And just wait until you see what I can do to a banana.”
    “Oh all right. I’ll admit it. He is a very attractive man and he was being exceptionally nice to me. Not to mention that he just saved my life. But as you both know, Brad is the only one I want and he’s twice as good as that one.”
    “Well, if you give Brad a blowjob anywhere as brutal as the one you gave to that poor banana, you just might want to keep Vasili in mind as a replacement.” Randy joked and I gave him a playful push.
    “All right kids, back to business then.” Esmeralda smirked as she opened a leather messenger bag and took out a notebook. “First, here is the list of guests that have been invited to Leigh’s wedding.” She handed it to Randy. She then took a large book out and handed it to me. “Marie sent that along for you.”
    “Oh? What is it?” I asked as I turned it over in my hands.
    “That’s called a book. There are these things called words written on the paper inside. Sometimes these books have pictures in them.” You can always count on Esmeralda to seize even the smallest opportunity for sarcasm. “This one is full of pretty pictures of animals.”
    The book was obviously more ancient than her. I gently opened the worn leather cover and glanced at the pages. “It’s a medieval manuscript of some sort. Randy, take a look at this. Every page has a weird animal, along with a description. I’m familiar with quite a few paranormal beasts, but many of these I’ve never seen or even heard about.”
    Randy’s face lit up like he was a kid on Christmas morning. “Ah! I know exactly what this is. It’s a medieval bestiary, a book with descriptions of mysterious animals.”
    “An encyclopedia of paranormal creatures? Wonderful! I can really use this. Imagine what we can come up with now. Not to mention, it’ll be a great reference if we should get some new or unfamiliar strays in here.”
    “I’ve seen something like this before,” Esmeralda said. “Randy’s right. It’s an ancient bestiary. Just a few words of caution for you nimrods, don’t create any beasts that you aren’t familiar with. I don’t think Marie took much time to look it over. She came across it on a trip to Florence last year and thought you’d like to have it.”
    “Careful is my middle name.” I placed the book on a kitchen shelf among a few cookbooks and some spell-books. I hoped they didn’t notice that Miss Careful ironically put the spell-book next to Red Hot Grill Out in Chicago, Birthplace of the Weber Grill. “Thanks for bringing it by. Be sure to give Marie my thanks as well. Would you like to lend a hand for a bit today, Esmeralda? I could use some help finding my Jay Spot.”
    “As incredibly fun and interesting as that sounds, no. Besides, Randy told me that your fireman is going to be here later and you two have cooked up a plan to keep him here on the farm. He’ll become another creature for your collection I suppose?”
    “I wouldn’t quite put it like that. But yes, Brad’s coming down and I hope he’ll be here to stay.”
    “To stay? Hmm. Plenty of places to bury a body around here.” Esmeralda cackled. She took out her little broom and within seconds only a greenish vapor hung in the air where she stood.
    “Randy, would you help