Getting to Happy
baby?”
    “I’m listening.”
    “Where are you thinking of taking me for our sixth wedding anniversary?”
    “I don’t know. That’s five whole months from now. You pick the place this time. How’s that?”
    “That’s fine. Let me ask you something else, baby. Do you know a woman named Bernadine Wheeler?”
    “That name doesn’t ring a bell. Why?”
    “Because she called me.”
    “What do you mean, she called you? When? About what?”
    “She said you’re her husband.”
    “That crazy bitch lives out there in Phoenix, and she’s been stalking me ever since I started going out there for work. I think she might even be locked up somewhere. Did she call you from a pay phone? If so, it means she’s finally in a facility. Don’t believe a word that bitch says. And how’d she get your number?”
    Bernadine took a breath. “This crazy bitch didn’t call your wife, James or Jesse, whatever your real name is! She called me. I don’t even believe this shit is really happening. I don’t—”
    “What the hell is going on here? You mean to tell me both of y’all broads have ganged up on me? What kinda bullshit is this? Bernie, don’t believe a word—”
    “You know what, James, I’m going to let you in on a little secret. Bigamy is a felony. Which means you can go to prison for it. So, I’ll tell you what. I dare you to bring your lying ass anywhere near the Arizona state line. I dare you! Try it and you’ll be behind bars in a New York minute. I still can’t believe this is happening, but thank you, Belinda.”
    “Thank you Belinda?”
    “You’re welcome,” Belinda said in a warm voice, as if she was giving Bernadine a high five through the phone. “Women need to stick together and stop sorry men like Jesse from getting away with so much. They want us to be enemies, when they’re the ones who try to pit us against each other. You okay, girl?”
    “I’m fine. What about you?”
    “Now y’all getting chummy! What is this shit?” James yelled, but then the pitch in his voice changed to nice, a falsetto, the one he’d used the entire time he’d been married to Bernadine. She could hear it as plain as day now: the phoniness. Why hadn’t she noticed it before?
    “Look, baby, I’m leaving the office right now and I’ll be home in about a half hour.”
    “I don’t think so,” Belinda said with conviction. “Your key doesn’t work, and, I’m filing to have this bogus marriage annulled in the morning. Bernadine, you know you can do the same. I already looked into it.”
    “You can’t do that. We’ve been married too long.”
    “Hey,” Bernadine said, “since you’re the big-time lawyer, James, you should know how this works.”
    Belinda was laughing again.
    “What’s so damn funny, Billy? And what about my kids? You can’t stop me from being with my kids. And plus, that’s my house you’re living in. My car you’re driving.”
    “You want me to cut it all down the middle and give you your half, is that what you want, Jesse?”
    There was complete and utter silence. He was in a corner and he couldn’t lie or whine or cry or weasel his way out of this one.
    “I’m sorry,” he said. “To you both. I didn’t mean to hurt either one of you, can’t you understand that?”
    “I’m sorry, too, Jesse James, sorry I ever met your lying ass. You really should be ashamed of yourself. God made a huge mistake when he wired you.”
    Bernadine hung up.

    This happened six years ago. To Bernadine, sometimes it feels like yesterday. “Fuck!” she says when she opens her eyes and looks around her bedroom. A wave of fear paralyzes her and she can’t move. Her heart is racing, as if she’s been running. Her forehead is wet and so are her pajamas. It’s not from night sweats. She finished with that almost two years ago. Her hands are tingling but she can’t shake them. Not yet. She can blink, which she does until she’s batting her eyes—anything to send the pain of the past back

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