He Comes Next by Ian Kerner Read Free Book Online Page B

toward monogamy. That’s right, the other 97 percent basically “fuck and flee.” But of that 3 percent, humans are the only species that exercise free will in their decision to be monogamous. We are the only species that doesn’t follow preprogrammed hard-wired rules in how we pair bond; we make choices. And frankly it’s much easier to follow a rule than it is to make a choice.
    So back to our soft-wiring: All relationships basically go through three stages: lust, romantic love, and attachment. Lust is what gets us into these predicaments in the first place. Lust is unfocused, looking for action. But once lust finds its focus, it develops into infatuation. In these first two phases, lust and romantic love, some really powerful chemical processes compel us to hook up and then get hooked on each other. Romantic love paves the way for the attachment phase, the sense of stability we need to mate and raise our young. But in many ways, the attachment phase works against the romantic love phase. This is where free will comes into play, as well as the high divorce rate. Once those sparks start to wane, we tend to get freaked out and confused. We tell ourselves that our relationships are broken. We feel helpless, rejected. So we cheat. Or we settle into silent recrimination. Or else we cut bait entirely. We don’t know how to move forward into the attachment phase, while maintaining the excitement of the romantic love phase. Nature pulls the rug out from under us, and we can’t seem to find our footing. So we jump on another rug altogether. We are a culture that loves to fall in love, but doesn’t know how to stay that way.
    But guess what? While nearly half of all marriages end in divorce, the vast majority of those who get divorced end up getting remarried. The soft-wiring of pair bonding kicks back in. You’d think we’d get it right the second time around, right? Wrong. A staggering two out of three remarriages also end in divorce . Our hearts are in the right places (we want to be in long-term committed relationships), but we make the same mistakes over and over again. Hence, we are a society that effectively enshrines serial monogamy over lifelong relationships.
    Desire is the launch-pad for the process of sexual response. But don’t think of desire as a compartmentalized aspect of that process—only the beginning. Says Dr. David Schnarch of this limited definition of desire in the Principles and Practice of Sex Therapy, “It subtly narrows clinical thinking of desire as “willingness to get started” (initiatory eagerness) rather than enhancing desire during sex. The result is a paradigm that encourages utilitarian sex…and ignores couples’ common complaint of boring, meaningless sex devoid of passion, eroticism and intimacy.” Desire is more than just a starting point. It’s the beginning, middle, and end of sex (and all the little steps in between), as well as the erotic glue between sexual encounters. Desire doesn’t just give rise to sex; desire is borne of sex as well.
    Schnarch advises us to “focus on 1) desire during sex, rather than just initiatory problems, 2) desire for one’s partner rather than desire for sexual behavior, and 3) consciously chosen, freely undertaken desire rather than biological drive or natural function. This approach recognizes human sexual desire as the most complex manifestation of sexual motivation among all living things .”
     
    IMAGE
     
     
    Excitement
     
    Now that we’re beyond the murky depths of desire, the road ahead becomes a bit more straightforward (albeit “wobbly” at times). In men, genital stimulation often causes an erection within a few seconds.
     
    Dear Ian,
      Is it possible for a man to ejaculate without an erection?
     
    —Tricia, twenty-six, theater manager
     
    Yes! The penis is highly concentrated with nerve endings, and it’s possible for a man to reach orgasm with a soft erection or even none at all. In my treatment of premature