Heal The Abuse - Recover Your Life by Jason Goodwin Read Free Book Online Page B

pleasurable and addicting.
Sex became a self-destructive ritual I used to vent my feelings of
anger, fear, and rage.
    The abuse of my past had created a well of
powerful, negative emotions inside of me. I would view pornography,
hire prostitutes, go to strip-clubs, sleep around, and get into
relationships with other survivors of sexual abuse.
    My need to release these pent-up emotions
felt overwhelming at times. Yet I always knew that my behavior was
unhealthy. Like any other addiction, my misuse of sex grew
increasingly destructive over time. In the end, sexual addiction
only led to greater pain.
     
    Personal Journal Entries
    Entry #2: Fear of Being a Sexual Object
    I’m afraid of being used for sex. Why am I so
afraid?
    If all my abusers wanted was sex, than that
must be all I’m good for. I’m a sexual object with no value. I’m a
sex toy. There is nothing good inside of me. All they wanted was my
skin. All they wanted was my flesh.
    I feel so empty inside. I feel so devastated.
They never treated me like I was human at all.
    I’m so afraid. I don’t want to be an
object.
     
    Exercise 5-1
    Identifying Sexual Addiction Self-Test
    -This is a self-test I developed to help
identify the degree of our addiction to sex. This test is not valid
for teenagers. Sometimes teenagers engage in the behaviors listed
below because they are irresponsible, not necessarily because they
are sex addicts. Some of these characteristics apply more often to
men and others apply more often to women. Check any of the
characteristics that apply to your adult sexual behavior.
    _____ 1. I often think about having sex with
multiple partners.
    _____ 2. I have hired prostitutes for
sex.
    _____ 3. I have engaged in providing sexual
services (prostitution or pornography) for money.
    _____ 4. I have spent money on sex,
prostitution, or pornography that was needed for other things.
    _____ 5. I frequently thought about the next
time I would hire a prostitute.
    _____ 6. I frequently thought about the next
time I would view pornography.
    _____ 7. I have often turned to sex as a
reaction to difficult feelings (anger, fear, pain, depression,
stress, or discomfort.)
    _____ 8. I have rejected relationships with
people who would not provide sex frequently enough or would not
engage in certain sexual behaviors.
    _____ 9. I have had problems with certain
relationships as a result of my sexual behavior.
    _____ 10. I have done things I said I would
never do as a result of my sexual desires.
    _____ 11. I have engaged in illegal behavior
to satisfy my sexual needs.
    _____ 12. I plan ahead and save money for
prostitution or pornography.
    _____ 13. I feel shame or guilt about my
sexual behavior.
    _____ 14. I have difficulty refraining from
sex, prostitution, or pornography even when I really want to.
    _____ 15. I have lost control of my sexual
desire and cheated on someone I was in a monogamous relationship
with 1-2 times in my life.
    _____ 16. I have lost control of my sexual
desire and cheated on someone I was in a monogamous relationship
with 3 or more times in my life.
    _____ 17. Having sex or viewing pornography
makes me feel like I’m in control of my problems.
    _____ 18. I have gotten a sexually
transmitted disease or diseases from having unprotected sex.
(Examples: Hepatitis, herpes, gonorrhea, AIDS, etc…)
    _____ 19. I feel ashamed or proud of the
large number of people I have had sex with.
    _____ 20. I sometimes physically shake in
anticipation of sex or sexual gratification.
    _____ 21. I have sometimes used sex as a
substitute for love.
    _____ 22. I feel sexual desire for almost
anyone who approaches me in a sexual way.
    _____ 23. I will engage in almost any sexual
act if it increases my pleasure.
    _____ 24. I sometimes use alcohol,
cigarettes, or drugs to make my sexual pleasure more intense.
    _____ 25. I have had sex with multiple
partners at the same time.
    _____ 26. I wear tight or revealing clothing
to attract sexual partners.
    _____ 27. I don’t