Here Comes Civilization: The Complete Science Fiction of William Tenn Volume II by William Tenn Read Free Book Online Page B

Also, we're afraid of the dark."
    There was a gentle official tap on my shoulder. I said "Please!" impatiently. I watched the warm little breeze ruffle Professor Trowson's slept-in clothes and noticed the tiny red streaks in his weary eyes.
    "Mighty Monsters from Outer Space. Headlines like that, prof?"
    "Slugs with Superiority Complexes. Dirty Slugs, more likely. We're lucky they landed in this country, and so close to the Capitol, too. In a few days, we'll have to call in the heads of other nations. Then, sometime soon after, the news will be out. We don't want our visitors attacked by mobs drunk on superstition, planetary isolation or any other form of tabloid hysteria. We don't want them carrying stories back to their civilization of being shot at by a suspendered fanatic who screamed, 'Go back where you came from, you furrin seafood!' We want to give them the impression that we are a fairly amiable, fairly intelligent race, that we can be dealt with reasonably well."
    I nodded. "Yeah. So they'll set up trading posts on this planet instead of garrisons. But what do I do in all this?"
    He punched my chest gently. "You, Dick—you do a job of public relations. You sell these aliens to the American people!"
    The official had maneuvered around in front of me. I recognized him. He was the Undersecretary of State.
    "Would you step this way, please?" he said. "I'd like to introduce you to our distinguished guests."
    So I stepped this way please, and we went all across the field and clanked across the steel plate and stood next to our gastropodal guests.
    "Ahem," said the Undersecretary politely.
    The nearer snail bent an eye toward us. The other eye drew a bead on the companion snail, and then the great slimy head arched and came down to our level. The creature raised, as it were, one cheek of its foot and said, with all the mellowness of air being pumped through a torn inner tube, "Can it be that you wish to communicate with my unworthy self, respected sir?"
    I was introduced. The thing brought two eyes to bear on me. The place where its chin should have been dropped to my feet and snaked around there for a second. Then it said, "You, honored sir, are our touchstone, the link with all that is great in your noble race. Your condescension is truly a tribute."
    All this tumbled out while I was muttering "How," and extending a diffident hand. The snail put one eyeball in my palm and the other on the back of my wrist. It didn't shake; it just put the things there and took them away again. I had the wit not to wipe my hands on my pants, which was my immediate impulse. The eyeball wasn't exactly dry, either.
    I said, "I'll do my best. Tell me, are you—uh—ambassadors, sort of? Or maybe just explorers?"
    "Our small worth justifies no titles," said the creature, "yet we are both; for all communication is ambassadorship of a kind, and any seeker after knowledge is an explorer."
    I was suddenly reminded of an old story with the punchline, "Ask a foolish question and you get a foolish answer." I also wondered suddenly what snails eat.
    The second alien glided over and eyed me. "You may depend upon our utmost obedience," it said humbly. "We understand your awesome function and we wish to be liked to whatever extent it is possible for your admirable race to like such miserable creatures as ourselves."
    "Stick to that attitude and we'll get along," I said.
    By and large they were a pleasure to work with. I mean there was no temperament, no upstaging, no insistence on this camera angle or that mention of a previously published book or the other wistful biographical apocrypha about being raised in a convent, like most of my other clients.
    On the other hand they weren't easy to talk to. They'd take orders, sure. But ask them a question. Any question:
    "How long did the trip take you?"
    "'How long' in your eloquent tongue indicates a frame of reference dealing with duration. I hesitate to discuss so complex a problem with one as learned as