He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships by Steven Carter Read Free Book Online
Authors: Steven Carter
unavailable for commitment.
It may seem like a cheap shot, but we have to ask the question. What easier way to disguise your reluctance to commit than to choose partners who are unavailable?
8. Within a relationship your responses tend to be highly unrealistic and extreme—overly romantic, overly critical, overly involved, overly detached .
Real commitment requires real compromise, real wishes, real hopes, real desires, and real people. One of the most effective ways of avoiding commitment is to avoid reality. Occasionally you may imbue a real-life partner with all the characteristics you ascribe to your fantasy mate, but that happy state rarely lasts very long.
That means that at all stages of a relationship, you’re not authentically responding to your partner’s reality. You are either overwhelmingly romantic, or you go the other way and become incredibly picky and critical out of all proportion to what is happening.
Real commitment takes place in a real world, and an unrealistic attitude toward your relationships and your partners is symptomatic of unresolved commitment conflicts.
9. You have a history of becoming involved with people who have more difficulties with commitment than you do .
You think that all you want is a commitment, but your partner is unable to commit. This scenario is the single most effective way of concealing your own commitment issues.
Entering a relationship with a man or woman with severe commitment anxiety means getting involved with pain and disappointment. It means devoting a large portion of your life to trying to force an unwilling partner to come closer. It means that you are always the person wanting more from the relationship. It means that you are always with somebody who is erecting boundaries and obstacles faster than you can tear them down. And it means that your whole attitude in relationships is one of trying to understand and change another human being.
If you are in love with someone with serious commitment conflicts, then you already know how exhausting and painful it can be. You probably can’t believe that your own commitment issues could have had anything to do with selecting such a person. After all, why would anyone deliberately choose such pain? And, in truth, you probably didn’t choose the pain. But people who have serious problems with commitment, any kind of commitment, typically telegraph this information in a myriad of ways. Sometimes they actually tell you straight out. Sometimes they simply give youthe sense of distance that you may find desirable. Often they are highly seductive and, by words or deeds, they initially provide you with a highly unrealistic romantic scenario that fulfills your finest fantasy.
All of this provides an environment in which you rarely have to examine your own fears. If you spend all your time trying to analyze another person’s problems, you rarely have time to think about your own. But when you are being totally honest with yourself, don’t you have to admit that you saw their conflicts from the very beginning?
10. You look at friends who have solid commitments and think that they have compromised in a way that you wouldn’t .
For those with unresolved commitment conflicts there is frequently something about a real, down-to-earth, settled relationship that looks downright boring. You look at friends who have become part of a settled couple, and while you envy them the idea of being part of a twosome, you don’t really envy their lives. You feel that they have compromised in some way. Perhaps their spouses aren’t good-looking enough, or exciting enough, or rich enough, or glamorous enough, or smart enough. And what do they talk about? Children, schools, dinner menus, petty household conflicts. Who wants that?
People with commitment issues tend to be certain that if they ever do settle down with another human being, along with comfort and coziness they will also experience a greater sense of freedom and a much, much
It may seem like a cheap shot, but we have to ask the question. What easier way to disguise your reluctance to commit than to choose partners who are unavailable?
8. Within a relationship your responses tend to be highly unrealistic and extreme—overly romantic, overly critical, overly involved, overly detached .
Real commitment requires real compromise, real wishes, real hopes, real desires, and real people. One of the most effective ways of avoiding commitment is to avoid reality. Occasionally you may imbue a real-life partner with all the characteristics you ascribe to your fantasy mate, but that happy state rarely lasts very long.
That means that at all stages of a relationship, you’re not authentically responding to your partner’s reality. You are either overwhelmingly romantic, or you go the other way and become incredibly picky and critical out of all proportion to what is happening.
Real commitment takes place in a real world, and an unrealistic attitude toward your relationships and your partners is symptomatic of unresolved commitment conflicts.
9. You have a history of becoming involved with people who have more difficulties with commitment than you do .
You think that all you want is a commitment, but your partner is unable to commit. This scenario is the single most effective way of concealing your own commitment issues.
Entering a relationship with a man or woman with severe commitment anxiety means getting involved with pain and disappointment. It means devoting a large portion of your life to trying to force an unwilling partner to come closer. It means that you are always the person wanting more from the relationship. It means that you are always with somebody who is erecting boundaries and obstacles faster than you can tear them down. And it means that your whole attitude in relationships is one of trying to understand and change another human being.
If you are in love with someone with serious commitment conflicts, then you already know how exhausting and painful it can be. You probably can’t believe that your own commitment issues could have had anything to do with selecting such a person. After all, why would anyone deliberately choose such pain? And, in truth, you probably didn’t choose the pain. But people who have serious problems with commitment, any kind of commitment, typically telegraph this information in a myriad of ways. Sometimes they actually tell you straight out. Sometimes they simply give youthe sense of distance that you may find desirable. Often they are highly seductive and, by words or deeds, they initially provide you with a highly unrealistic romantic scenario that fulfills your finest fantasy.
All of this provides an environment in which you rarely have to examine your own fears. If you spend all your time trying to analyze another person’s problems, you rarely have time to think about your own. But when you are being totally honest with yourself, don’t you have to admit that you saw their conflicts from the very beginning?
10. You look at friends who have solid commitments and think that they have compromised in a way that you wouldn’t .
For those with unresolved commitment conflicts there is frequently something about a real, down-to-earth, settled relationship that looks downright boring. You look at friends who have become part of a settled couple, and while you envy them the idea of being part of a twosome, you don’t really envy their lives. You feel that they have compromised in some way. Perhaps their spouses aren’t good-looking enough, or exciting enough, or rich enough, or glamorous enough, or smart enough. And what do they talk about? Children, schools, dinner menus, petty household conflicts. Who wants that?
People with commitment issues tend to be certain that if they ever do settle down with another human being, along with comfort and coziness they will also experience a greater sense of freedom and a much, much
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