be here for her." I took a breath. "She was a good woman, your mother. I couldn't have stayed married to anyone, the kind of man I was. She did the best she could. Jesus, I guess we both did the best we could. That's what everybody does, the best they can, and that's all anybody does."
Andy wiped away tears with his sleeve. He said, "Dad, I'm sorry."
"It's all right."
"I'm sorry as hell. I don't know what got into me."
"Six different kinds of booze," Michael said, "all in one drink. What the hell did you expect?"
What did any of us expect?
"I'm afraid you won't get to see any of them this time around," I told Elaine. "Mike and June fly home tomorrow morning."
"What did June do, leave Melanie with her parents?"
"They brought her along," I said, "but I didn't get to see her. June thought the funeral would be too much for her, so she stayed at the house. I don't know whether they hired a sitter or some family member stayed with her."
"And you didn't get to see her at all?"
"I could have, if I'd wanted to go to the house, but I decided I'd rather come straight home."
"I don't blame you. What about Andy? He has to go straight home toDenver?"
" Tucson."
"Tucsonin the summer? It's like an oven."
"Well, I guess he figures he'll enjoy the winters. If he's still there."
"Your rolling stone."
"Not mine," I said. "Not anymore. They're neither of them mine anymore, honey. I don't know if they ever were."
"You're saying that because of the kind of day you've just had."
"That's only part of it. Oh, I'm still their father, and they're still my sons. Otherwise we wouldn't get on one another's nerves the way we do. We'll get calls and cards at Christmas, and Andy may even keep us up to date on address changes. And they'll call if they happen to be in the city. Maybe not every time they come here, but some of the time. Of course they won't come to the city all that often."
"Baby- "
"And when I drop dead," I said, "they'll fly in for the funeral, and they'll show up wearing suits. They both look good in suits, I have to say that for them. They'll help carry the box, they got in practice for that this afternoon, although they'll have more weight to deal with next time."
"Unless you waste away," she said.
"Aren't you something," I said. "You won't let me get away with a thing, will you?"
"Would you love me more if I did?"
"I don't see how I could. They'll be decent to you, incidentally. They were decent to Gray. That's what they call him, Gray."
"So you said."
"Oh, I mentioned that? Gray. Big, good-looking fellow with one of those open, honest faces. Looked like he might have played football in school. Linebacker, maybe. Put on some weight since then but stayed in pretty good shape."
"You're in pretty good shape yourself."
"For a guy on the verge of wasting away. Right now they resent you some, but right now they resent everybody. When the time comes, they'll stand up."
"That'll be a comfort."
"Incidentally," I said, "just for the record, when the time comes I want a closed casket."
"I'll take care of it," she said. "Unless I go first."
"Don't you dare," I said.
We went to bed around eleven-thirty, and it didn't take long for me to realize I wasn't going to be able to sleep. I tried to slip out of bed without waking her but she sat up and asked me where I was going.
"I'm wired," I said. "I can catch the midnight meeting, most of it, anyway."
"That's probably not a bad idea."
I got dressed. At the doorway I paused and said, "I might be late."
"Say hello to Mick for me."
"I'll do that," I said.
When I first got sober there was a midnight meeting every night at the Moravian church onLexington Avenue. They lost the meeting place years ago, but AA meetings are like hydra's heads, and two sprang up in its place, one downtown on Houston Street in what used to be a fairly notorious after-hours, and the other, my destination tonight, at Alanon House, an AA clubhouse on West Forty-eighth. Ordinarily I'd have walked, but
Andy wiped away tears with his sleeve. He said, "Dad, I'm sorry."
"It's all right."
"I'm sorry as hell. I don't know what got into me."
"Six different kinds of booze," Michael said, "all in one drink. What the hell did you expect?"
What did any of us expect?
"I'm afraid you won't get to see any of them this time around," I told Elaine. "Mike and June fly home tomorrow morning."
"What did June do, leave Melanie with her parents?"
"They brought her along," I said, "but I didn't get to see her. June thought the funeral would be too much for her, so she stayed at the house. I don't know whether they hired a sitter or some family member stayed with her."
"And you didn't get to see her at all?"
"I could have, if I'd wanted to go to the house, but I decided I'd rather come straight home."
"I don't blame you. What about Andy? He has to go straight home toDenver?"
" Tucson."
"Tucsonin the summer? It's like an oven."
"Well, I guess he figures he'll enjoy the winters. If he's still there."
"Your rolling stone."
"Not mine," I said. "Not anymore. They're neither of them mine anymore, honey. I don't know if they ever were."
"You're saying that because of the kind of day you've just had."
"That's only part of it. Oh, I'm still their father, and they're still my sons. Otherwise we wouldn't get on one another's nerves the way we do. We'll get calls and cards at Christmas, and Andy may even keep us up to date on address changes. And they'll call if they happen to be in the city. Maybe not every time they come here, but some of the time. Of course they won't come to the city all that often."
"Baby- "
"And when I drop dead," I said, "they'll fly in for the funeral, and they'll show up wearing suits. They both look good in suits, I have to say that for them. They'll help carry the box, they got in practice for that this afternoon, although they'll have more weight to deal with next time."
"Unless you waste away," she said.
"Aren't you something," I said. "You won't let me get away with a thing, will you?"
"Would you love me more if I did?"
"I don't see how I could. They'll be decent to you, incidentally. They were decent to Gray. That's what they call him, Gray."
"So you said."
"Oh, I mentioned that? Gray. Big, good-looking fellow with one of those open, honest faces. Looked like he might have played football in school. Linebacker, maybe. Put on some weight since then but stayed in pretty good shape."
"You're in pretty good shape yourself."
"For a guy on the verge of wasting away. Right now they resent you some, but right now they resent everybody. When the time comes, they'll stand up."
"That'll be a comfort."
"Incidentally," I said, "just for the record, when the time comes I want a closed casket."
"I'll take care of it," she said. "Unless I go first."
"Don't you dare," I said.
We went to bed around eleven-thirty, and it didn't take long for me to realize I wasn't going to be able to sleep. I tried to slip out of bed without waking her but she sat up and asked me where I was going.
"I'm wired," I said. "I can catch the midnight meeting, most of it, anyway."
"That's probably not a bad idea."
I got dressed. At the doorway I paused and said, "I might be late."
"Say hello to Mick for me."
"I'll do that," I said.
When I first got sober there was a midnight meeting every night at the Moravian church onLexington Avenue. They lost the meeting place years ago, but AA meetings are like hydra's heads, and two sprang up in its place, one downtown on Houston Street in what used to be a fairly notorious after-hours, and the other, my destination tonight, at Alanon House, an AA clubhouse on West Forty-eighth. Ordinarily I'd have walked, but
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